Four Years On

Where do I start? This Sunday will be 4 years to the day I lost my little Taybear. Four years ago began my journey to find out who I am. Am I a mom? Am I not? Am I grieving over nothing? Or over someone? Let me tell you now. 

Four years ago, I grieved for my child that should and could have been. Today, I grieve for my daughter. I grieve for her birthdays and holidays, I grieve for being a mother on Mother's Day, and I grieve for Dill on Father's Day. I've learned so much grief through my miscarriage that I often forget to be thankful for what I have. 

 A few nights ago, a thought came into my head that scared me. Terrified me. If I hadn't gone to the doctor, I may have never known I miscarried, let alone that I was pregnant. I would have never come to grieve my child who deserves to be grieved. So I am thankful, through all the tears, that I knew I had Taybear with me. And I am thankful that I knew she was gone. I'm so thankful she is a part of my life still and that I get to celebrate and grieve, together, on all of her important days. Am I a mom? Yes. I think of my child all the time. I celebrate birthdays, death days, and holidays as a mother. Sure many people do not know that I am one. But that's okay. I know. I know and so I celebrate. 

 Taylor started out as a depressive thought in my mind and has now grown to be something I look forward to. I'm excited for her birthdays. I'm ready to face the day she passed with joy. Because I did know her. And I know she is happy in Heaven.

So enjoy your holidays. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. And one day, I'll come on here and let you all know when we have another baby to celebrate. Whether here on earth or in heaven. We will try again, and we will celebrate again. No matter the outcome.

Love you so much Taylor Austin. I am blessed to be your Mommy!

Always,

Pickle

Losing It

Dill and I are at risk of losing everything. Our apartment, our two ferrets, my medical bills for my much needed bipolar medication, etc. Please help us out. If you don't want to donate through gofundme, message me here for another way. Every cent helps. Literally.

We've canceled our honeymoon and are losing out on $300 due to a non-refundable plane ticket to our wedding. Currently, we just aren't looking forward to our wedding. All we see is the money that has gone into it. We just want to get back to some normalcy, but right now, we have no idea what that would be.

Please help us out. I'm sorry to ask. But we need all the help we can get.


Thank you,
Pickle

Hobbies Hobbies Galore

Update: We lost our little girl, Bonkers. Three in four months is very hard. Now we have Lincoln and Riley. We're doing okay, actually. Sad, but okay.

Hey guys.

So I've recently started making some lifestyle changes (less sugar, less sodium, less calorie intake to lose weight). And I must say that it feels good. It's been over two months now, and I feel good. I'm finally losing that weight I gained after I was injured (and around the time I was pregnant).

If you don't remember, I struggled with my weight since Tay. The extra weight I put on made me feel like I was pregnant. If I rounded just right, I looked it. It's so silly and naive, but it was a way I 'coped'. Now I hope I don't have to tell you, but that is not a good coping mechanism.

So I've finally started losing and in the process, I've found a new hobby. I very much enjoy yoga. Hey! Don't groan. Though, three months ago, I probably would have, too.

Yoga is great for your muscles and gets you out of the house! It helps you meet new people. It can be relatively inexpensive (generally $10/drop-in class or around $70-100 unlimited monthly). I very much respect my teachers and I have started to look forward to my classes.

I highly encourage you to find a hobby. It's helping me cope with the loss, depression, and daily stresses. I can't imagine ever going back to not doing it. It's fun.

If yoga still isn't your thing, then try a painting class, music, dance (I love dance!), crafts, etc. There are even groups out there that meet just to go out to places and eat or watch movies. Just try to find a hobby. If it involves weekly meets, all the better.



Also, you may be wondering why I didn't post on Taylor's birthday this year. I'll be honest. Brutally. I forgot Taylor's birthday. I had requested time off and everything and all I did was sit on my butt. The following day, I remembered and it felt like someone had punched me. How in the world could I forget that?

Don't beat yourself up if you forget these important dates. It only means you are finally moving on. And THAT'S OKAY! Really, it is. Celebrate when you feel like celebrating. It's okay if it doesn't land on any of the important dates. Your child would not want you to be unhappy, and you know that if they were here, you wouldn't have forgotten! But since they are not, sometimes their day just seems like another day. Nobody is wishing them happy birthday. You didn't have to buy gifts or plan a party. You have none of those 'hey this day is very important' cues.

Don't beat yourself up. Just celebrate when you want. Think of them. Talk to them if that helps. They would forgive you.


Anyway, that's all for now. Off to yoga! PS: I'm going to start adding photos again. Just bear with me through this crazy time!

Moving On, But Not Forgotten

Taylor's 3rd birthday is approaching fast. It actually snuck up on me this year. I couldn't believe she would be 3 soon. How different things would be.

I'm thinking about doing a whole cake this year, instead of the cupcakes. I really wish I could find something more to do. But I guess I'll think of something now for next year. I know for her 5th birthday, I want to do a full-on party with Dill and me.

Unfortunately, since the last time I posted, we have lost two more of our pets. Jack and Loki. And we found out yesterday, we have a limited time with Bonkers. So we are reeling in losses the last few years.

It's not as if I didn't know this would happen. But saying you know and actually experiencing it are two very different things. To me, it's like reading all about Australia, then going. Yes, you knew what it would be like. But being there will still feel completely different.

Anyway! Started a new job and trying to get my life on the right track. I also am seeing a new psychiatrist as my last one didn't seem to be working with me as much as I needed. I am now diagnosed with some aspects of Bipolar Disorder, which makes so much sense. On my new meds, I'm able to let some things go. I feel more calm. And I feel like I'm finally moving on with my life since Taylor.

That is not to say I do not hurt still. Believe me, I do. But her loss doesn't feel like it happened yesterday. It feels like I grieving more appropriately to the timeframe. Sometimes, I feel bad about that. But in my heart, I know this is good.

I wish I could post more often, but life has been hectic the last year. Maybe one day I will be able to make this blog what I intended. But right now, I guess it's just not meant to be.

If you ever want to comment, but feel I might not be active on the blog...Please go ahead! I do check this weekly. I just don't post as often.

Thank you for your devotion to me, and your devotion to you in healing,

Pickle


Update: We lost our little girl, Bonkers. Three in four months is very hard. Now we have Lincoln and Riley. We're doing okay, actually. Sad, but okay.

I Hear This is Normal

It doesn't feel like it has been over three years since we lost Taylor. Most days that feels about right. Those are the days where I can go through life normally, enjoying the time and things I have. Those are the days where I still think about her, but I keep moving.

Lately, those does don't seem to exist. And I often chastise myself for feeling pain all over again. "But yesterday I was fine!" I scream at myself. "Just move on, all ready!" Or that I often yell at myself about how selfish I am being for hurting so badly (and publicly) over only a miscarriage from three years ago when people I know lost an infant or had a miscarriage recently and seem to be doing so much better than I am.

Well, guess what?

GRIEF DOESN'T WORK IN A LINE!

I have someone I went to school with on a social media website who miscarried at 10 weeks last year. It seemed that for only a week did she ever mention their loss. Then, poof, she was over it. Another person on the site lost her infant son nine days after birth. She made a couple mentions for a few weeks, then nothing.

So why is it that I am constantly feeling this pain? Is this not normal? Am I just grasping for attention? Why do I feel like it's just happened all over again so often?

This is what I find myself going through most often. I'm mostly past "Why me?" and "Why my baby? Why did this happen?". Now it's more about why am I still grieving? Why can't I just be happy?

This is normal. When I finally pried a bit into my friend's mind - the one who suffered a loss at 10 weeks - she really opened my eyes. She explained that she still hurts every day. Sure she only posted to the world about it for a week, but then she felt like she was being a 'debbie downer' and felt that she must stop talking about it out of fear of burdening others with her 'sob story'.

Then she pointed me toward a few posts since her loss. Every October 15th (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day) she posts something relating to the event. And every few months, she mentions missing her little one in Heaven.

Essentially, what I want any of my readers to take from this is, are two things.

1. Just because the person seems okay, doesn't mean they are. Just because it has been 2+ years, doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. You should still sympathize with them.
   
2. This one I cannot say it enough. Grief doesn't work in a straight line or order. Before suffering our losses, I thought grief was supposed to work in some sort of order.

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

It doesn't work like that at all. Yes, I first went through Denial, then Anger, then as the rest follow. However, my grief has lasted three years (and will always continue until I'm with her again). Now that the initial stages of grief have occurred, I find myself having Acceptance, but then feeling great Anger suddenly. Or Depression.

Lately, I've been going through Depression all over again. Some times it happens for no reason, but recently we lost a pet, and it's brought this all on again. Grief does not go in any order. It just is. And that is okay.

Remember, if you have questions, concerns, want your voice heard, want to hear about something I've not talked about, please leave a comment or contact me if you have another way.

I really hope that Taylor's loss will be a positive one since it happened and I can't change it. Just remember one thing from this post today.

Grief is okay.

Happy Birthday to All the Angel Babies

Just thinking of my Taybear and wanted to wish all parents a happy birthday to their children and their angel babies. 

As much as I wanted to get this blog up and going, it just doesn't seem to be happening. Hence my long disappearances. Not sure if I will keep up the blog or not.

What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

'Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
And here on earth everything's different
There's an emptiness

Oh-oh, I,
I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the angels' choir
I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived

- Dani & Lizzy "Dancing in the Sky"

I'll always be here for anyone to talk to. Stay strong, you amazing parents!

Coming on Three Years: Wound's Still Fresh

Hi guys. Things have been so crazy around here. Working two jobs, planning a wedding, and just trying to stay busy. I miss the blog. Really wish I had more time to write in it.

July 28th will be such a hard day. Three years ago on July 26th, I lost Taylor. My child. She slowly slipped away from us before we really even knew she was there. It had been an ongoing process for about two weeks. July 28th was when the bleeding ended.

Only a year later, we helped our beloved ferret, Secret Agent Seely Booth, go to the Rainbow Bridge.

Even as I write this, my eyes well with tears. Two to three years feels like yesterday. I miss them both with all my heart, but I am trying to come to peace again. I've realized over the last three years that grief does really go in specific stages. Not for me, at least. In my experience, it was sadness, denial, and anger for a very long time. Then it turned to acceptance that they are gone.

I always thought 'acceptance' meant that things would get better; easier. Things would be able to move forward and I wouldn't still be angry or sad. That's not the case. Three years from Taylor and two from Booth, and I still find myself so angry. Angry at myself, sometimes angry at God. Of course I still find myself sad, as well.

I suppose, in a way, it is easier this year. I've not spent every day crying, or every day constantly thinking about them. They both are always with me, and I do think about them nearly every day. However, I don't dwell on their passing. Despite the improvement, I wouldn't call this easy. Easier, yes.

This year, I need to do something really special for the both of them. I don't know what. Though, I will post about it when I figure it out.

Thanks all, and hang in there. I may not be active, but I am here for you. Leave a comment!

Pickle

A Few Helpful Books

Hey. Since I last posted, I decided to try and help myself more. I went to LifeWay Christian Store (I am religious, but these can help for anyone who believes in something, or nothing, else) near my work and looked at their grief section. It was so pitiful and tiny. They had less than twenty books in all, including all types of grief. The only books specifically for children were four. Two of those were specifically about losing kids (2+). I had hoped for another memorabilia item to add to Taylor's memory box, but they only had five items relating to grief or mourning.

I settled on the two remaining grief books. The first one I read was helpful. The woman had a miscarriage, then went on to have a risky pregnancy with twins. She then has a pregnancy which the doctors urged her to terminate because the child, if surviving in the womb, will not have a chance when born.

No, it is not directly relatable, however her grief helps me to realize I am not alone. The book does hold many scriptures, but mostly it talks about her experiences with the grief and how she has learned to cope and remember her child.

This book is "I will Carry You" by Angie Smith.

The second book, I have yet to read, but seems like I could relate to it more. I've skimmed the pages and it looks like it may be helpful. Once I've read it, I will post a review.

"Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg

Stay strong. You are not alone.

Pickle

Tough Months

Hello,

Once again I apologize for inactivity. It has been a rough and crazy few months. The holidays were exceptionally hard for me this past year for an unknown reason. Then Taylor's 2nd birthday was this past March 2nd. That was another hard one for me. Despite being busy, I've been pretty lost when it comes to giving advice on dealing with a miscarriage as I've been in deep grieving again myself.

Today, I'm still uncertain if I'm able to give the advice you need. But I wanted to update and explain why I've disappeared. Currently, I do not feel able to give advice when the advice isn't currently helping. I suppose that happens sometimes during grief, though.

I think what has brought the grief up so hard again is that Dill proposed last Christmas Day, I've been planning our wedding the last several months, we had our engagement photos done, we are planning on moving into a house in the next two years, and we have even talked about trying to start a family a year or two after the wedding.

Wonderful and amazing changes. However, sometimes it feels like all I am doing is forgetting about my lovely Taylor. I know I could never forget about her, but this planning on starting a family and doing all of this 'in order' feels like we never had a family yet. We never had Taylor.

I miss her. So much. Every day. It's hard sometimes to imagine having another child without her being here. It almost makes me feel guilty for wanting another child. For being excited to experience the full pregnancy. To be so happy on the day of our wedding and birth of our child. Though I have to remind myself Taylor is watching her Mommy, and wouldn't want me to be so sad. I try to remember to go along with my life as if she were here. Never forget her. Celebrate her.

This is why I celebrate her birthdays. I try to enjoy the holidays by remembering and honoring her. It's the only way I know how to get through this. It's how I know I would want my family to continue without me, and surely my lovely little one would want the same for her Dad and I. Remember that. Continue your life normally, but celebrate them as if they are physically here. It feels wonderful to honor them and celebrate them.

Eventually, when we have another child, we will throw actual parties with close family for Taylor. This way our second child will never forget how important their sister is. A cake, maybe some decorations, and just enjoy the day together.

I hope this helps anyone who needs it. Remember, I love comments. Ask questions. Request a post on something you need help with or are wondering about. I'll try to post through my grief. It's what I tell you guys to do, so I should follow my own advice! I'll leave you with a few more pictures of Dill and I. Happiness is still possible during grief.

Grief and Recovery

September 17th, my four year anniversary with Dill, I had surgery on my ankle to fix a year-long work-related injury. You know, that's wonderful and all. I'm sure it will help my quality of life once I'm healed and finished with physical therapy.

Right now?

Right now it sucks. I'm laid up in the apartment, no work for four months now (two more to go). I've just gotten to where I can drive myself around short distances. And my best friend from the teen years who lost her wonderful dad a couple months ago called.

I sit here at 2:30am with no reason to sleep now and get up later in the day. My daughter is dead. She is gone. And most people won't acknowledge that she ever existed. Some say I lost nothing. Nobody seems to get that I lost every part of myself the day I realized what I lost.

The funny thing about my miscarriage is that I didn't 'know' she was gone. It took me two months later and high on sleep medication to feel the full effect. I was in bed, trying to sleep. All of a sudden, I felt my stomach and I felt incredibly alone. Two months had gone by since I had bled so heavily for over two weeks. Since I had gone to the doctor and been told 'It was likely a miscarriage. But do you really want to dwell on that? Go home and pretend it was just a weird period."

I walked out of the room and down the swirling hallway to Dill. He sat at his computer as I leaned onto the futon. I whispered, "I need you", before bursting into some of the most heart-wrenching sobs I've ever created. It was then that I knew what I lost. I didn't lose my pregnancy. I didn't have a miscarriage. My child died. My child died. 

If you go and tell someone your child died, they will exhibit so much sympathy the world will shift on it's axis. If you tell them you lost your baby, they still show similar horror and sympathy. If you say you lost your pregnancy, they seem to expect you mean after the first trimester and feel pretty upset for you. But if you tell them you had a miscarriage...they might say they are sorry, then turn to you and expect the conversation to be over. A miscarriage is just a passing thought. People don't seem to understand a person died. A child died. A parent is now questioning what they are. Are they still a parent if they have no living child?

And so when my friend Que called me to talk about her father who passed...I couldn't help but continuously wonder why I was doing this. Never once has she comforted me over Taylor. Anytime I brought Tay up, she would change the subject. And here I was comforting her. Listening to her story, her experience, her sobs. Whereas she let me say I had a miscarriage before changing the subject.

Yeah. Recovery sucks. No, I'm not okay. But that's okay. I'm learning that you don't always have to be okay. I'm learning that despite it being 2 1/2 years since her passing, it's perfectly fine for me to not be okay sometimes.

I can't tell you how much I miss Taylor. Words do not express to anyone how painful and lonely this is. But I do. I miss Taylor. I love Taybear so much, and I miss her. And as much as it sucks and hurts...

It's okay.

Life is Busy Busy!

Hey there readers. So sorry for the delay in posts. I'd been working overtime at my job, which I love. Then September 17th, I had surgery on my injured leg. Been doing the recovery stuff since.

Oh, and did I mention...Dill and I got engaged October 10!? I will soon be Mrs. Pickle Dill....yeah, a bit backwards. You get the idea, though!

Hope everyone is doing well. Just thought I'd give a brief update and let you know I plan to be active with this blog again soon.

Just Some Thoughts

Tomorrow, I'm going into surgery for a leg injury. I've been thinking about Taylor frequently. Just wanted to say I miss Tay and wish s/he were here. The pain never goes away, but I do feel like I can live. Though I'll never be whole, I know I will be with Taylor when it's time.

The other day in the store (I work at JoAnn Fabric and Crafts), I saw our first nursery frog print cotton fabric. We hadn't had one yet. There it was. Unexpectedly. Right there in the aisle I burst into tears. In seconds - blankets and curtains, bibs and onesies, valances and decor - flashed through my head. My Taylor's nursery. What it would have been.

Wish me luck with my surgery. Remember, it's okay to cry and grieve - no matter how long it has been.

Love,

Pickle

A Year of Beginnings

Hi loves.

It sure has been awhile. This year has been one of the toughest since Taylor's passing. I can't say for sure why that is, but it has been. So I have been really focused on myself the last many months. My job, my personal life, health, and family.

This past July has been a year since Booth passed, and the second since Taylor. I guess I thought I would have more closure for both by now. I expected to be ready to let Booth go and move on, and to finally have a few days without wondering what Taylor would be like.

It's not that her memory is a burden. At least, not all the time. Knowing I had her for a few weeks, is a blessing. But wondering what she would be like today is a burden. It's these two things that I have so much trouble separating. When I celebrate my little one, I try to do it happily. The only way I know how is to be glad I had her for as little as I did. Of course the 'what ifs' show up, causing heartache. And it's that which is causing this year to be so hard.

Just last week, I fell apart again. Completely. I wondered why I was here. What was my purpose? Was it solely to lose the ones I loved? Had I not lost enough? Why, Lord? Why?

I realize the questions only make things harder. And I know I will receive no answers. Not the ones I am seeking. He wanted her. He took her. And He has her. I don't know why. I don't know why He thought I could handle this. But for some reason, He did. So here I am. I'l try to release those questions to Him. Let Him answer those once I am there too. If I don't, I don't think I'll be able to go another year. The ache is too much. So, I can't answer why you might have lost your little one, because I haven't a clue why I lost mine.

Last week was another turning point in my short, but long life. I made a rash decision during a heightened emotional period. And all that I can say today is that I am glad the decision wasn't 100%.

I've finally figured something out, though. Here I am. A grieving mother. A lost soul. And I am trying to answer your questions, trying to heal your hearts. When all I am doing is hiding my pain. In the end? I'm helping nobody. Instead, I need to be open with my readers, so you can be open to me. Maybe this is the only way to get through this type of pain. Nobody has to be strong. As long as we all lean on one-another. 

We, as a group, as a whole, make us strong.

Prayers to Boston, West, and Our Nation

I know this is a late post, but I have been busy with a new job, chores, and getting myself back on a healthy lifestyle.

All of these places have had mass losses or nightmarish experiences. My Nation is in my prayers and has been since the start of this sad month. My prayers also have been going to the survivors, and the surviving families of victims of the Columbine High shooting. That one is seared vividly in my head, just as much of these recent incidents. Along with these mass events, I have been praying for Rehtaeh Parsons' friends and family. 

If you have not heard of Rehtaeh's story, please look for it. I had actually been planning to post next about her case, but the Boston Bombing was still a sore subject and I wanted to elaborate on that first. Next I will talk a little about her case and talk a little more about heinous crime that degrades women - rape.

Please take care everyone and be safe!

Vacations

Hey there. Sorry for lack of posts. I had been trying to prepare for a trip back home to Indiana which I took last week. It was quite amazing, and did a huge number on my self esteem. My mother paid for my haircut and dye, which was a real emotional moment. I made some discoveries about my father and that side of the family, which were all quite good. And my friends accommodated me more than I could have imagined.

Basically, my haircut and dye was a huge change. The hair was just trimmed and slightly layered, but the hairdye was a darker color than I ever used before. I told the stylist I didn't want to see it until it was done, and she gladly obliged. When it was ready, she turned me around...and all I could say was, "Oh my God. Oh my God." I teared up, but held them back as best I could. For once, these were tears of joy. My self esteem had been pretty low the past few months, but when I saw myself in that mirror, I felt like a 10.

The day before, my sister and I had gone on a shopping spree. First time in 4 years I had new clothes, I felt pretty good. After the haircut, donning new clothes, I can't even explain the emotions I went through. I realized, I can look good. I can feel good. It was an eye opener.

At my Father's, I found for the first time in a long time, that I belonged. Of course I felt like I belong with my mother, but I was always the black sheep, or ugly duckling, of my family. I was loved, but odd. And nobody would say differently. I was the most sensitive, quietest, nicest, most passionate, and had the strangest taste, style, and emotions. However, at my father's for a night with his girlfriend...I began to see the resemblances. They stay up late, because dad cannot sleep well at night. Nor can I. Never have liked sleeping at night. Then, his love of coffee. Midnight, and we both were drinking coffee. Pot after pot. We had the same interests for television shows. And my sweet tooth must come from him.

I asked about our heritage, as I only ever knew my mother's side. What I found out, made so much sense. I am Scottish, German, and French. On my mother's side, I am Native American (I believe Cherokee), and French. All of these make sense for my hobbies, interests, and tastes. They also account quite a bit for my appearance. Pale skin, high cheek bones, etc.

The trip was a huge eye opener, and a great one. It was pretty cheap, minus the shopping trip. Driving back and forth was only around $200. Most everyone paid for my meals, or made them at home. And everyone drove me where I went. Stayed with my friend, sister, father, and my mom/grandparents.

My suggestion to you? Take a vacation. I know, you may not have time. What I love to do? On two days I have off, rent a hotel that is nearby your home. Be sure it has a pool, if you like to swim. Or a fitness center. Room service is a huge plus. As well as a fridge and microwave.

Traffic on the way home. 14 miles of endless traffic.

This can become your sanctuary. Grab your milk, and a couple meals to microwave from home. Do not leave the hotel. Use it to relax. Enjoy the pool or Jacuzzi. Or head to the workout center with some music and relax while you exercise. This is a great time to just relax and focus on yourself.

Medication

This post did not publish on time for some reason. This is about two weeks old, sorry!

I apologize for lack of posts. We have been so busy around here. Between me, who keeps getting sick, to friends who visited from out-of-state, to planning a trip back home to Indiana. It's been crazy!

Well, I thought an update was in order. I have two job interviews today, which are the first since moving here six months ago! I finally finished unpacking, which opened up much more space. The pets seem to be doing well. And I'm heading to Indiana April 1st-7th to visit friends and family. I truly miss them all more than I thought I would!

Today, I wanted to talk a little about medications. Not everyone who has suffered such a loss as we have need medication. However, some do. This is a hard thing to go through. It's lonely. It's sad. It hurts. It's overwhelming. Medication is okay. Do not be ashamed if you feel you need to get on something.

I admit, I'm on two anti-depressants right now. I've been on them a month. My mood has changed a bit all ready. Granted, one is causing a jittery side effect, but we are hoping it will work itself out. If not, we will try something else. My point though, is that it's perfectly fine if you need medications after a loss. It does not mean you are 'messed up' or that you have to take them the rest of your lives. Sometimes after such a big loss, you can get on medication for a year, then ween off and be fine.

There is nothing to be ashamed about. Some people think medication is 'bad'. I don't understand that. Sure you are welcome to try herbs or other natural remedies. Go right ahead and try those first. They didn't work for me. I still felt like I couldn't get out of bed, and I still broke down in the middle of the day.

If you ever have questions, do ask in my comment section (near the date and title of the post, there is 'Comments', then a number. Click the number to comment. - I'm looking into making that easier. You can do it anonymously so nobody knows.

UPDATE: I am now working at Outback.
UPDATE: I am now working at Joann Fabric and left Outback.

What a Sweet Uncle

This is the last of Taylor's Birthday Compilation.

For Taylor's 1st birthday, I asked my best friend, Uncle Kosher, to write Taylor something for her birthday. He so sweetly obliged. This was such a wonderful idea, and plan to ask him and another person to do so next year.

Uncle Kosher's Letter to Mommy

The letter reads:

Dear Taylor,

Your mother has been dropping subtle hints for me to write and send this letter, and some not so subtle ones as well. I suppose I feel like I should probably apologise (Uncle Kosher doesn't know how to spell)  for the shape of the paper I'm writing on. I had it packed away with some books and other things, and I guess they kind of messed them up. I should also probably apologise (Uncle Kosher doesn't know how to spell) for my handwriting. I'd use the excuse that I just haven't written in awhile, but to be honest, I just have horrible handwriting.

So, you know, I don't actually know what to say... I've never known what to say to younglings such as yourself. I suppose I should introduce myself, shouldn't I? We've not met, but I'm your crazy Uncle Kosher. I've known your mom for a long time, she's an amazing person. You're lucky to have such a loving Mother. She sometimes need help, so be sure to take care of her for me, ok? I'm counting on you now little one.

Oh, Happy Birthday, by the way. No, I didn't forget, I was stalling for dramatic effect. I don't have anything I can get you, so I'm going to attach a picture from a coloring book that I filled in recently. The other side is blank. Ask your mom to fill it in, ok?

Alright, I think that's all dear, Happy Birthday!

Love,

Uncle Kosher

The picture mommy is supposed to color.
I will do so on the 2 year anniversary
of joining Heaven. <3

Uncle Kosher's letter and picture

Short and Sweet

I apologize for lack of blogging. It has been one thing after another here. I should be back to blogging this week! No worries there. Just thought I'd wish everyone a quick recovery from St. Patty's day!

Sick and more Sick!

It's been much too long since my last post! Unfortunately, I have been sick since the week after Tay's birthday. All of us who went out that Saturday had the flu of some sort, and today I have a doctor appointment. So wish me luck that they can help me feel better, so I can get back to blogging!

I'm Ovulating - Let's BD (Baby Dance)

Anyone else feel this way? I do! Of course, we aren't ready for a child yet. So I have to hold off, but boy do I want to BD (baby dance) or DTD (do/did/done the deed). It's driving me nuts! Anything gets me going the past two days, and I want to just rip off our clothes and get going.

Granted, I'm not sure why I'm ovulating right now. I should have had aunt flo three days ago. Instead, O (ovulation) is 2 weeks early! I think it's my body saying, "Do it, do it, do it!". Sometimes, it sucks being a woman! I just want to procreate. What's so wrong with that? Well, Dill is not ready. We are yet to be married. Heck, we aren't even engaged yet. So ovulating just makes me crazy right now.

How about you?

Pickle wanting to BD!