Four Years On

Where do I start? This Sunday will be 4 years to the day I lost my little Taybear. Four years ago began my journey to find out who I am. Am I a mom? Am I not? Am I grieving over nothing? Or over someone? Let me tell you now. 

Four years ago, I grieved for my child that should and could have been. Today, I grieve for my daughter. I grieve for her birthdays and holidays, I grieve for being a mother on Mother's Day, and I grieve for Dill on Father's Day. I've learned so much grief through my miscarriage that I often forget to be thankful for what I have. 

 A few nights ago, a thought came into my head that scared me. Terrified me. If I hadn't gone to the doctor, I may have never known I miscarried, let alone that I was pregnant. I would have never come to grieve my child who deserves to be grieved. So I am thankful, through all the tears, that I knew I had Taybear with me. And I am thankful that I knew she was gone. I'm so thankful she is a part of my life still and that I get to celebrate and grieve, together, on all of her important days. Am I a mom? Yes. I think of my child all the time. I celebrate birthdays, death days, and holidays as a mother. Sure many people do not know that I am one. But that's okay. I know. I know and so I celebrate. 

 Taylor started out as a depressive thought in my mind and has now grown to be something I look forward to. I'm excited for her birthdays. I'm ready to face the day she passed with joy. Because I did know her. And I know she is happy in Heaven.

So enjoy your holidays. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. And one day, I'll come on here and let you all know when we have another baby to celebrate. Whether here on earth or in heaven. We will try again, and we will celebrate again. No matter the outcome.

Love you so much Taylor Austin. I am blessed to be your Mommy!

Always,

Pickle

Just Some Thoughts

Tomorrow, I'm going into surgery for a leg injury. I've been thinking about Taylor frequently. Just wanted to say I miss Tay and wish s/he were here. The pain never goes away, but I do feel like I can live. Though I'll never be whole, I know I will be with Taylor when it's time.

The other day in the store (I work at JoAnn Fabric and Crafts), I saw our first nursery frog print cotton fabric. We hadn't had one yet. There it was. Unexpectedly. Right there in the aisle I burst into tears. In seconds - blankets and curtains, bibs and onesies, valances and decor - flashed through my head. My Taylor's nursery. What it would have been.

Wish me luck with my surgery. Remember, it's okay to cry and grieve - no matter how long it has been.

Love,

Pickle

A Year of Beginnings

Hi loves.

It sure has been awhile. This year has been one of the toughest since Taylor's passing. I can't say for sure why that is, but it has been. So I have been really focused on myself the last many months. My job, my personal life, health, and family.

This past July has been a year since Booth passed, and the second since Taylor. I guess I thought I would have more closure for both by now. I expected to be ready to let Booth go and move on, and to finally have a few days without wondering what Taylor would be like.

It's not that her memory is a burden. At least, not all the time. Knowing I had her for a few weeks, is a blessing. But wondering what she would be like today is a burden. It's these two things that I have so much trouble separating. When I celebrate my little one, I try to do it happily. The only way I know how is to be glad I had her for as little as I did. Of course the 'what ifs' show up, causing heartache. And it's that which is causing this year to be so hard.

Just last week, I fell apart again. Completely. I wondered why I was here. What was my purpose? Was it solely to lose the ones I loved? Had I not lost enough? Why, Lord? Why?

I realize the questions only make things harder. And I know I will receive no answers. Not the ones I am seeking. He wanted her. He took her. And He has her. I don't know why. I don't know why He thought I could handle this. But for some reason, He did. So here I am. I'l try to release those questions to Him. Let Him answer those once I am there too. If I don't, I don't think I'll be able to go another year. The ache is too much. So, I can't answer why you might have lost your little one, because I haven't a clue why I lost mine.

Last week was another turning point in my short, but long life. I made a rash decision during a heightened emotional period. And all that I can say today is that I am glad the decision wasn't 100%.

I've finally figured something out, though. Here I am. A grieving mother. A lost soul. And I am trying to answer your questions, trying to heal your hearts. When all I am doing is hiding my pain. In the end? I'm helping nobody. Instead, I need to be open with my readers, so you can be open to me. Maybe this is the only way to get through this type of pain. Nobody has to be strong. As long as we all lean on one-another. 

We, as a group, as a whole, make us strong.