I Hear This is Normal

It doesn't feel like it has been over three years since we lost Taylor. Most days that feels about right. Those are the days where I can go through life normally, enjoying the time and things I have. Those are the days where I still think about her, but I keep moving.

Lately, those does don't seem to exist. And I often chastise myself for feeling pain all over again. "But yesterday I was fine!" I scream at myself. "Just move on, all ready!" Or that I often yell at myself about how selfish I am being for hurting so badly (and publicly) over only a miscarriage from three years ago when people I know lost an infant or had a miscarriage recently and seem to be doing so much better than I am.

Well, guess what?

GRIEF DOESN'T WORK IN A LINE!

I have someone I went to school with on a social media website who miscarried at 10 weeks last year. It seemed that for only a week did she ever mention their loss. Then, poof, she was over it. Another person on the site lost her infant son nine days after birth. She made a couple mentions for a few weeks, then nothing.

So why is it that I am constantly feeling this pain? Is this not normal? Am I just grasping for attention? Why do I feel like it's just happened all over again so often?

This is what I find myself going through most often. I'm mostly past "Why me?" and "Why my baby? Why did this happen?". Now it's more about why am I still grieving? Why can't I just be happy?

This is normal. When I finally pried a bit into my friend's mind - the one who suffered a loss at 10 weeks - she really opened my eyes. She explained that she still hurts every day. Sure she only posted to the world about it for a week, but then she felt like she was being a 'debbie downer' and felt that she must stop talking about it out of fear of burdening others with her 'sob story'.

Then she pointed me toward a few posts since her loss. Every October 15th (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day) she posts something relating to the event. And every few months, she mentions missing her little one in Heaven.

Essentially, what I want any of my readers to take from this is, are two things.

1. Just because the person seems okay, doesn't mean they are. Just because it has been 2+ years, doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. You should still sympathize with them.
   
2. This one I cannot say it enough. Grief doesn't work in a straight line or order. Before suffering our losses, I thought grief was supposed to work in some sort of order.

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

It doesn't work like that at all. Yes, I first went through Denial, then Anger, then as the rest follow. However, my grief has lasted three years (and will always continue until I'm with her again). Now that the initial stages of grief have occurred, I find myself having Acceptance, but then feeling great Anger suddenly. Or Depression.

Lately, I've been going through Depression all over again. Some times it happens for no reason, but recently we lost a pet, and it's brought this all on again. Grief does not go in any order. It just is. And that is okay.

Remember, if you have questions, concerns, want your voice heard, want to hear about something I've not talked about, please leave a comment or contact me if you have another way.

I really hope that Taylor's loss will be a positive one since it happened and I can't change it. Just remember one thing from this post today.

Grief is okay.

Just Some Thoughts

Tomorrow, I'm going into surgery for a leg injury. I've been thinking about Taylor frequently. Just wanted to say I miss Tay and wish s/he were here. The pain never goes away, but I do feel like I can live. Though I'll never be whole, I know I will be with Taylor when it's time.

The other day in the store (I work at JoAnn Fabric and Crafts), I saw our first nursery frog print cotton fabric. We hadn't had one yet. There it was. Unexpectedly. Right there in the aisle I burst into tears. In seconds - blankets and curtains, bibs and onesies, valances and decor - flashed through my head. My Taylor's nursery. What it would have been.

Wish me luck with my surgery. Remember, it's okay to cry and grieve - no matter how long it has been.

Love,

Pickle

A Year of Beginnings

Hi loves.

It sure has been awhile. This year has been one of the toughest since Taylor's passing. I can't say for sure why that is, but it has been. So I have been really focused on myself the last many months. My job, my personal life, health, and family.

This past July has been a year since Booth passed, and the second since Taylor. I guess I thought I would have more closure for both by now. I expected to be ready to let Booth go and move on, and to finally have a few days without wondering what Taylor would be like.

It's not that her memory is a burden. At least, not all the time. Knowing I had her for a few weeks, is a blessing. But wondering what she would be like today is a burden. It's these two things that I have so much trouble separating. When I celebrate my little one, I try to do it happily. The only way I know how is to be glad I had her for as little as I did. Of course the 'what ifs' show up, causing heartache. And it's that which is causing this year to be so hard.

Just last week, I fell apart again. Completely. I wondered why I was here. What was my purpose? Was it solely to lose the ones I loved? Had I not lost enough? Why, Lord? Why?

I realize the questions only make things harder. And I know I will receive no answers. Not the ones I am seeking. He wanted her. He took her. And He has her. I don't know why. I don't know why He thought I could handle this. But for some reason, He did. So here I am. I'l try to release those questions to Him. Let Him answer those once I am there too. If I don't, I don't think I'll be able to go another year. The ache is too much. So, I can't answer why you might have lost your little one, because I haven't a clue why I lost mine.

Last week was another turning point in my short, but long life. I made a rash decision during a heightened emotional period. And all that I can say today is that I am glad the decision wasn't 100%.

I've finally figured something out, though. Here I am. A grieving mother. A lost soul. And I am trying to answer your questions, trying to heal your hearts. When all I am doing is hiding my pain. In the end? I'm helping nobody. Instead, I need to be open with my readers, so you can be open to me. Maybe this is the only way to get through this type of pain. Nobody has to be strong. As long as we all lean on one-another. 

We, as a group, as a whole, make us strong.

Vacations

Hey there. Sorry for lack of posts. I had been trying to prepare for a trip back home to Indiana which I took last week. It was quite amazing, and did a huge number on my self esteem. My mother paid for my haircut and dye, which was a real emotional moment. I made some discoveries about my father and that side of the family, which were all quite good. And my friends accommodated me more than I could have imagined.

Basically, my haircut and dye was a huge change. The hair was just trimmed and slightly layered, but the hairdye was a darker color than I ever used before. I told the stylist I didn't want to see it until it was done, and she gladly obliged. When it was ready, she turned me around...and all I could say was, "Oh my God. Oh my God." I teared up, but held them back as best I could. For once, these were tears of joy. My self esteem had been pretty low the past few months, but when I saw myself in that mirror, I felt like a 10.

The day before, my sister and I had gone on a shopping spree. First time in 4 years I had new clothes, I felt pretty good. After the haircut, donning new clothes, I can't even explain the emotions I went through. I realized, I can look good. I can feel good. It was an eye opener.

At my Father's, I found for the first time in a long time, that I belonged. Of course I felt like I belong with my mother, but I was always the black sheep, or ugly duckling, of my family. I was loved, but odd. And nobody would say differently. I was the most sensitive, quietest, nicest, most passionate, and had the strangest taste, style, and emotions. However, at my father's for a night with his girlfriend...I began to see the resemblances. They stay up late, because dad cannot sleep well at night. Nor can I. Never have liked sleeping at night. Then, his love of coffee. Midnight, and we both were drinking coffee. Pot after pot. We had the same interests for television shows. And my sweet tooth must come from him.

I asked about our heritage, as I only ever knew my mother's side. What I found out, made so much sense. I am Scottish, German, and French. On my mother's side, I am Native American (I believe Cherokee), and French. All of these make sense for my hobbies, interests, and tastes. They also account quite a bit for my appearance. Pale skin, high cheek bones, etc.

The trip was a huge eye opener, and a great one. It was pretty cheap, minus the shopping trip. Driving back and forth was only around $200. Most everyone paid for my meals, or made them at home. And everyone drove me where I went. Stayed with my friend, sister, father, and my mom/grandparents.

My suggestion to you? Take a vacation. I know, you may not have time. What I love to do? On two days I have off, rent a hotel that is nearby your home. Be sure it has a pool, if you like to swim. Or a fitness center. Room service is a huge plus. As well as a fridge and microwave.

Traffic on the way home. 14 miles of endless traffic.

This can become your sanctuary. Grab your milk, and a couple meals to microwave from home. Do not leave the hotel. Use it to relax. Enjoy the pool or Jacuzzi. Or head to the workout center with some music and relax while you exercise. This is a great time to just relax and focus on yourself.

Medication

This post did not publish on time for some reason. This is about two weeks old, sorry!

I apologize for lack of posts. We have been so busy around here. Between me, who keeps getting sick, to friends who visited from out-of-state, to planning a trip back home to Indiana. It's been crazy!

Well, I thought an update was in order. I have two job interviews today, which are the first since moving here six months ago! I finally finished unpacking, which opened up much more space. The pets seem to be doing well. And I'm heading to Indiana April 1st-7th to visit friends and family. I truly miss them all more than I thought I would!

Today, I wanted to talk a little about medications. Not everyone who has suffered such a loss as we have need medication. However, some do. This is a hard thing to go through. It's lonely. It's sad. It hurts. It's overwhelming. Medication is okay. Do not be ashamed if you feel you need to get on something.

I admit, I'm on two anti-depressants right now. I've been on them a month. My mood has changed a bit all ready. Granted, one is causing a jittery side effect, but we are hoping it will work itself out. If not, we will try something else. My point though, is that it's perfectly fine if you need medications after a loss. It does not mean you are 'messed up' or that you have to take them the rest of your lives. Sometimes after such a big loss, you can get on medication for a year, then ween off and be fine.

There is nothing to be ashamed about. Some people think medication is 'bad'. I don't understand that. Sure you are welcome to try herbs or other natural remedies. Go right ahead and try those first. They didn't work for me. I still felt like I couldn't get out of bed, and I still broke down in the middle of the day.

If you ever have questions, do ask in my comment section (near the date and title of the post, there is 'Comments', then a number. Click the number to comment. - I'm looking into making that easier. You can do it anonymously so nobody knows.

UPDATE: I am now working at Outback.
UPDATE: I am now working at Joann Fabric and left Outback.

What a Sweet Uncle

This is the last of Taylor's Birthday Compilation.

For Taylor's 1st birthday, I asked my best friend, Uncle Kosher, to write Taylor something for her birthday. He so sweetly obliged. This was such a wonderful idea, and plan to ask him and another person to do so next year.

Uncle Kosher's Letter to Mommy

The letter reads:

Dear Taylor,

Your mother has been dropping subtle hints for me to write and send this letter, and some not so subtle ones as well. I suppose I feel like I should probably apologise (Uncle Kosher doesn't know how to spell)  for the shape of the paper I'm writing on. I had it packed away with some books and other things, and I guess they kind of messed them up. I should also probably apologise (Uncle Kosher doesn't know how to spell) for my handwriting. I'd use the excuse that I just haven't written in awhile, but to be honest, I just have horrible handwriting.

So, you know, I don't actually know what to say... I've never known what to say to younglings such as yourself. I suppose I should introduce myself, shouldn't I? We've not met, but I'm your crazy Uncle Kosher. I've known your mom for a long time, she's an amazing person. You're lucky to have such a loving Mother. She sometimes need help, so be sure to take care of her for me, ok? I'm counting on you now little one.

Oh, Happy Birthday, by the way. No, I didn't forget, I was stalling for dramatic effect. I don't have anything I can get you, so I'm going to attach a picture from a coloring book that I filled in recently. The other side is blank. Ask your mom to fill it in, ok?

Alright, I think that's all dear, Happy Birthday!

Love,

Uncle Kosher

The picture mommy is supposed to color.
I will do so on the 2 year anniversary
of joining Heaven. <3

Uncle Kosher's letter and picture

Short and Sweet

I apologize for lack of blogging. It has been one thing after another here. I should be back to blogging this week! No worries there. Just thought I'd wish everyone a quick recovery from St. Patty's day!

Happy 1st Birthday, Taybear!

It's here!

It's Taylor's birthday!

Going GREEN for Taylor's Birthday.

1:20 pm

So I decided to do something special. I decided to make 'professional' cupcakes. I wanted it to be the best cupcakes I've ever made, but also not from scratch considering that can cost more than a boxed mix these days. It was real simple, and I'm currently waiting on them to come out! I will say though, the batter tasted great! I know, I know...you're not supposed to eat raw egg. It's something my family has done since before I was born, and nobody has been sick from it. Since I'm an adult, and there are no kids around, I feel it's not a big deal. I'll take responsibility for myself if I get sick.

Everything but the pan.
So Simple!

Anyways, so here is the recipe I used:

RECIPE:

- 1 box cake mix (any flavor - I used Pillsbury Moist supreme Classic Yellow

- 3 Eggs (you can substitution with 4 egg whites)

- 1 Cup Milk (I used 2% so others should be fine as well AND omit the oil)

- 2 1/2 tbsp butter, melted (salted or unsalted will work. I used blue bonnet)

- 1 tsp Vanilla extract or flavoring (I used flavoring)

That's it! That is all the ingredients you need. And the best part? I didn't bother with a cupcake pan! Those things end up getting dirty somehow, they take up room in the cabinets, and it's hard to get the cupcakes out. So I grabbed some Reynolds Foil Baking Cups (35ct) for $1.88. They come lined with a paper cup, but since I bought the special butterfly ones for Tay (75ct for $1.88), I just decided to save those for another time! Then I put the special ones in the foil, and now I can reuse the foil cups! It's great. More on that later...

Cups and my flower liners

1. Melt the butter in the microwave
2. Add 3 eggs, cake mix, and milk (or soy milk, or whatever you are using) in a bowl on top of the butter.
3. Using a hand mixer, mix on low for 1 minute, then go up one for another minute. If using a spoon, make sure it is a large spoon and stir for 2 minutes. It may have a few clumps and won't looks as creamy, but it will still work.
   
   

   

   The mix! So creamy!
   It's almost a texture to brownies!

4. Line the foil cups with the liners that come with them, or your own pretty liners.
   
   

   

   Cups and my liners.
5. Place on cookie sheet (should bake a dozen at a time.
6. Fill cups with a tablespoon (just under halfway).

   

   1 tbsp batter into the cups

   
   
7. Place in preheated oven at 350 degrees for 13-20 minutes (my oven always makes the sides hard if I do full time, so for these it took 13 minutes to be done). Just keep an eye on them. As soon as they start to brown on the top, pull them out and off the sheet.

   

   Browned on top.

   
   
8. After they cool slightly, turn upside down in your hand and the cupcake and the liner will slide right out of the foil. Now you can store the foil and reuse!
9. Let cool at least an hour

Now what about the icing?

ICING:

- Pillsbury Creamy Supreme Cream Cheese (any vanilla should work $1.88)

- Betty Crocker Classic Gel Food Colors (I think it was around $3)

1. Let cupcakes cool COMPLETELY
2. Open the icing and stir.
3. Add 10 drops of food coloring of your choice, then stir until blended well. (I wanted darker green, so I used a lot)
4. Fluff with a fork, then use a knife to scoop onto the cupcakes.
5. Spread gently.
6. Optional: Let stand a few minutes, then squeeze out the Confetti Gel in a zigzag pattern (Extras - below)

Extras (Can be omitted):

- Cake Mate Confetti Gel (I used Pink Dots, around $2)

- Cake Mate Confetti Candles ($1)
- Cake Mate Happy Birthday Candles (Around $3)

 Here are some pictures throughout Tay's birthday.

Finished Cupcakes!

Lit candles at the beach
One for Daddy
One for Mommy

Mommy eating the cupcake
and thinking about her Taybear

Gorgeous sunset on her birthday.

The gorgeous bridge all lit up.

The bridge lit up.
Great ending to her celebration.

I Love Saturdays!

Just a quick update.

Set up the coffee bar temporarily, until I can gather the supplies needed to re-do the table.

Sorry about image quality. But here is my beauty.

The little canister with the woman is a tin I found at Goodwill a few months back. It's in great condition, and is cute. I use it for my sugar (yellow Domino's canister will be repurposed later). Eventually I want most, if not all, of my mugs hanging above the table, and the picture above will be moved to another wall. Now remember that cluttered and overflowing cabinet I showed you?

Before and After
I can now reach the containers! The cups above are ones that will eventually be moved to the coffee bar. We now have space for all of our containers, cups, and dinnerware! It's excited.

This project has helped keep me busy the last few days. I'm excited to continue sharing my projects and experiences with you. Next, I'm tackling cleaning the barstools. Have yet to figure out what I will do with them!

Also, keep on the lookout for Taylor's special birthday post coming up Saturday March 2nd. It will be pretty late, but I'll get it up. I have some great things planned, and I can't wait to celebrate her in Heaven!

Minor Changes Make a Major Difference

When we lost Taylor, we were living nearly 900 miles from where we are now, in a different state and apartment. Yet, despite this, my brain wants to get sad still and wonder which room room would have been her nursery, what it would look like now, and how life would be different. This is something that is all right to do briefly, but not often. You can wonder, but then you need to be able to keep going. This year, I have been unable to do so. As I was looking around, I was becoming more and more sad.

So I decided to make some changes to lighten my mind. I wanted a change because Tay should be in one of the rooms and things would be different. So I made them different. Dill and I rearranged our living room and sunroom (I feel so fancy saying we have a sunroom, but I swear we are far from rich or fancy!). We still have boxes that need unpacked (Oh yes, I am lazy), so we unpacked a few of them. We didn't add anything new, nor did we take any furniture or decor away. However, the new layout is fresh.

Our 'fresh' layout!

Now I walk in and feel great. For now, my mind is feeling satisfied about the new look. Sure it isn't how things would be if Taylor were here, but it's a wonderful change and it gives my mind something new to focus on for awhile. We still have a ways to go with our apartment, despite it being nearly 5 months, but we are getting there. More work to come today on the second bedroom. I can't wait! I'll try to get before and after pics of the bedroom, considering I wish I could have of the living room. It looks so different!

What do you do when you feel this way? Or just sad?

PS: Dill made me coffee then woke me up! How awesome!
PPS: I was going to add a photo, but apparently I deleted a whole folder of important photos by accident. Yuck. I'll add photos later if I feel up to it. Now time to go sulk in coffee!

Happy Valentine's Day

Another idea I came up with for Taylor's first birthday, is for her Uncle Kosher to write her a letter. He is doing so and will send it sometime once he stops forgetting. Yes, that is a slight hint to Uncle Kosher.

So be expected a wonderful birthday post to her on March 2nd.

In the meantime, Happy Valentine's Day/Single Awareness Day! Whichever you prefer. Last night was wonderful. Dill and I headed downtown for the second time since moving and enjoyed a beautiful, yet cold, walk along the Battery. 

Also known as 'Rainbow Row'
Charleston, SC

Then we headed over to a cute dessert restaurant where we indulged in drinks and a deliciously warm brownie with ice cream.

Kaminsky's Most Excellent Cafe
Brownie Sunday

 I loved the experience so much, I even bought a pecan pie slice to go. Then we saw this guy set up a spot to pain/draw. As we walked by, I was astounded.

If I had cash on me, I would have bought it unfinished right there. It was gorgeous. It's funny - the things that make me think of Tay. This was a gorgeous and slightly abstract drawing of a horse-drawn carriage. The horse was white while the buildings behind and around it were purple and pink hues. I could imagine me placing this in her nursery for her to grow up with. It just represented so many things. It represented the beauty of the area we now live in. The beauty of life through the horse. This was a street artist who had magnificent talent, and I really wish we had cash. I'm not sure I'll ever forget that painting. I hope it goes to a good home.

Similar in style to Van Gogh's Starry Night,
but of a horse drawn carriage, and in purple and pink hues.

Well, what did you do for Valentine's?

Grief - Is it Okay to...

Yes. Whatever you are about to ask, yes.

Grief is something you never 'get over'. It is something you feel and deal with. You may grieve the first few months, then feel fine for three years. Suddenly, it hits again. Either for a moment, or for months. That's okay. It's normal. It happens. Often times, it comes unprovoked. Other times, one smell or word could be the trigger. This is normal.



Is it okay to be angry with God?

In a way. It's okay to question God about why you or your child were put through this. It's fine to yell at Him even, as long as in the end you don't hate Him. I yelled at Him for a good few months, but I never did stop loving Him, nor did I ever hate Him. I was angry, confused, and sad. Somehow I never hated Him. For some reason, he didn't feel Tay should be in this world. He was saving her from something and for something. She has a greater purpose up there than she would have here. It took me a long time to be okay with this, though. So do yell at Him. Ask him why. Beg Him to bring your child back. Tell Him how wrong it was to let you experience such hope, then for it to be ripped away. In the end? Thank Him for being able to know your child, even if you never met them yet. Be thankful for the other things you do have. Family. Friends. Dinner. Shelter. And remember that your baby is awaiting you one day, as God intended it.

Is it okay to feel suicidal?

Again, in a way. Basically, there are two types of suicidal thoughts.

• Passive Suicidal Thoughts: You might wish you were dead. You might even think about killing yourself. If you feel this, it can be normal. It's called a passive thought. You still might want to speak to someone, but as long as you aren't planning it is considered to be passive.
• Active Suicidal Thoughts: These are a concern. You will have a plan. Know exactly how you will do it. Your thoughts are consumed by this thought. You might know the exact day or time. You start saying goodbye to friends and family, or selling things that are dear to you. At this point, you need to dial 9-1-1. This is not a good road to go down. Even if you feel alone, there is somebody who will care, or does care, and there are people who can relate to what you are going through. There are plenty of FREE suicide hotlines, several online forums or services, and then there's me. If all else, feel free to message me. If you are on the verge of hurting yourself, I do urge you to call 9-1-1. Most places will provide payment plans and there is government assistance for some cases.

So yes, as long as it's a thought that comes up and goes away, and maybe comes back every now and then. This is normal. It's also normal if you don't ever feel this way. It does not reflect badly on you as a grieving mother. People deal with grief differently.

Is it okay if I don't feel anything?

As I stated above, yes. You might be able to recover quickly. I know people who have lost a parent or sibling and do not grieve but the first day. They are just really good at adapting to bad situations. It has nothing to do with your relationship with them.

On the other hand, if you just don't feel anything because you do not believe the child existed...that is your belief. It's okay. I personally do not feel that way, but if that is your belief it is fine. Do not let others feel bad because you are not grieving.

Is it bad I don't want to name the baby?

No. It's all right. It may be too real for you and you are not ready to accept it. If this is the case, you need to get here eventually. It's a part of the grief and moving on. However, if you just don't feel the need. That's okay too. Some people prefer not to name the child and move on immediately. As I said above, 'They are just really good at adapting to bad situations.' I know people who have lost a child and never named them. It makes it easier on them, and they were able to move on still. This was not the case for me. To me, my child was my baby and they deserved a name. Plus it was easier than 'my baby' in every sentence. "The baby would have been here. This would be the baby's nursery. I miss the/my baby." Just easier to give her a name for when we have future children.

What if I never got a positive test, but feel I was pregnant?

Hello, welcome to my experience! You might receive even less recognition of losing a child. For myself, my story is documented as my first post. I kept feeling different, then I began getting symptoms. A friend mentioned the possibility of pregnancy, and it hit. That was it. By then, I had started miscarrying and my tests showed up negative. A year later, my dad's girlfriend who is able to 'predict' these things, mentioned she thought I had been pregnant. I asked her when, and she said around June or July. Which was when I had all of those symptoms and feelings. If you truly believe you were, then you most likely were. You know your body better than anyone else.

If you have any other questions, comment below and I will answer to the best of my ability. Keep hope, loves.