Four Years On

Where do I start? This Sunday will be 4 years to the day I lost my little Taybear. Four years ago began my journey to find out who I am. Am I a mom? Am I not? Am I grieving over nothing? Or over someone? Let me tell you now. 

Four years ago, I grieved for my child that should and could have been. Today, I grieve for my daughter. I grieve for her birthdays and holidays, I grieve for being a mother on Mother's Day, and I grieve for Dill on Father's Day. I've learned so much grief through my miscarriage that I often forget to be thankful for what I have. 

 A few nights ago, a thought came into my head that scared me. Terrified me. If I hadn't gone to the doctor, I may have never known I miscarried, let alone that I was pregnant. I would have never come to grieve my child who deserves to be grieved. So I am thankful, through all the tears, that I knew I had Taybear with me. And I am thankful that I knew she was gone. I'm so thankful she is a part of my life still and that I get to celebrate and grieve, together, on all of her important days. Am I a mom? Yes. I think of my child all the time. I celebrate birthdays, death days, and holidays as a mother. Sure many people do not know that I am one. But that's okay. I know. I know and so I celebrate. 

 Taylor started out as a depressive thought in my mind and has now grown to be something I look forward to. I'm excited for her birthdays. I'm ready to face the day she passed with joy. Because I did know her. And I know she is happy in Heaven.

So enjoy your holidays. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. And one day, I'll come on here and let you all know when we have another baby to celebrate. Whether here on earth or in heaven. We will try again, and we will celebrate again. No matter the outcome.

Love you so much Taylor Austin. I am blessed to be your Mommy!

Always,

Pickle

I Hear This is Normal

It doesn't feel like it has been over three years since we lost Taylor. Most days that feels about right. Those are the days where I can go through life normally, enjoying the time and things I have. Those are the days where I still think about her, but I keep moving.

Lately, those does don't seem to exist. And I often chastise myself for feeling pain all over again. "But yesterday I was fine!" I scream at myself. "Just move on, all ready!" Or that I often yell at myself about how selfish I am being for hurting so badly (and publicly) over only a miscarriage from three years ago when people I know lost an infant or had a miscarriage recently and seem to be doing so much better than I am.

Well, guess what?

GRIEF DOESN'T WORK IN A LINE!

I have someone I went to school with on a social media website who miscarried at 10 weeks last year. It seemed that for only a week did she ever mention their loss. Then, poof, she was over it. Another person on the site lost her infant son nine days after birth. She made a couple mentions for a few weeks, then nothing.

So why is it that I am constantly feeling this pain? Is this not normal? Am I just grasping for attention? Why do I feel like it's just happened all over again so often?

This is what I find myself going through most often. I'm mostly past "Why me?" and "Why my baby? Why did this happen?". Now it's more about why am I still grieving? Why can't I just be happy?

This is normal. When I finally pried a bit into my friend's mind - the one who suffered a loss at 10 weeks - she really opened my eyes. She explained that she still hurts every day. Sure she only posted to the world about it for a week, but then she felt like she was being a 'debbie downer' and felt that she must stop talking about it out of fear of burdening others with her 'sob story'.

Then she pointed me toward a few posts since her loss. Every October 15th (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day) she posts something relating to the event. And every few months, she mentions missing her little one in Heaven.

Essentially, what I want any of my readers to take from this is, are two things.

1. Just because the person seems okay, doesn't mean they are. Just because it has been 2+ years, doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. You should still sympathize with them.
   
2. This one I cannot say it enough. Grief doesn't work in a straight line or order. Before suffering our losses, I thought grief was supposed to work in some sort of order.

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

It doesn't work like that at all. Yes, I first went through Denial, then Anger, then as the rest follow. However, my grief has lasted three years (and will always continue until I'm with her again). Now that the initial stages of grief have occurred, I find myself having Acceptance, but then feeling great Anger suddenly. Or Depression.

Lately, I've been going through Depression all over again. Some times it happens for no reason, but recently we lost a pet, and it's brought this all on again. Grief does not go in any order. It just is. And that is okay.

Remember, if you have questions, concerns, want your voice heard, want to hear about something I've not talked about, please leave a comment or contact me if you have another way.

I really hope that Taylor's loss will be a positive one since it happened and I can't change it. Just remember one thing from this post today.

Grief is okay.