Just Some Thoughts

Tomorrow, I'm going into surgery for a leg injury. I've been thinking about Taylor frequently. Just wanted to say I miss Tay and wish s/he were here. The pain never goes away, but I do feel like I can live. Though I'll never be whole, I know I will be with Taylor when it's time.

The other day in the store (I work at JoAnn Fabric and Crafts), I saw our first nursery frog print cotton fabric. We hadn't had one yet. There it was. Unexpectedly. Right there in the aisle I burst into tears. In seconds - blankets and curtains, bibs and onesies, valances and decor - flashed through my head. My Taylor's nursery. What it would have been.

Wish me luck with my surgery. Remember, it's okay to cry and grieve - no matter how long it has been.

Love,

Pickle

A Year of Beginnings

Hi loves.

It sure has been awhile. This year has been one of the toughest since Taylor's passing. I can't say for sure why that is, but it has been. So I have been really focused on myself the last many months. My job, my personal life, health, and family.

This past July has been a year since Booth passed, and the second since Taylor. I guess I thought I would have more closure for both by now. I expected to be ready to let Booth go and move on, and to finally have a few days without wondering what Taylor would be like.

It's not that her memory is a burden. At least, not all the time. Knowing I had her for a few weeks, is a blessing. But wondering what she would be like today is a burden. It's these two things that I have so much trouble separating. When I celebrate my little one, I try to do it happily. The only way I know how is to be glad I had her for as little as I did. Of course the 'what ifs' show up, causing heartache. And it's that which is causing this year to be so hard.

Just last week, I fell apart again. Completely. I wondered why I was here. What was my purpose? Was it solely to lose the ones I loved? Had I not lost enough? Why, Lord? Why?

I realize the questions only make things harder. And I know I will receive no answers. Not the ones I am seeking. He wanted her. He took her. And He has her. I don't know why. I don't know why He thought I could handle this. But for some reason, He did. So here I am. I'l try to release those questions to Him. Let Him answer those once I am there too. If I don't, I don't think I'll be able to go another year. The ache is too much. So, I can't answer why you might have lost your little one, because I haven't a clue why I lost mine.

Last week was another turning point in my short, but long life. I made a rash decision during a heightened emotional period. And all that I can say today is that I am glad the decision wasn't 100%.

I've finally figured something out, though. Here I am. A grieving mother. A lost soul. And I am trying to answer your questions, trying to heal your hearts. When all I am doing is hiding my pain. In the end? I'm helping nobody. Instead, I need to be open with my readers, so you can be open to me. Maybe this is the only way to get through this type of pain. Nobody has to be strong. As long as we all lean on one-another. 

We, as a group, as a whole, make us strong.

Prayers to Boston, West, and Our Nation

I know this is a late post, but I have been busy with a new job, chores, and getting myself back on a healthy lifestyle.

All of these places have had mass losses or nightmarish experiences. My Nation is in my prayers and has been since the start of this sad month. My prayers also have been going to the survivors, and the surviving families of victims of the Columbine High shooting. That one is seared vividly in my head, just as much of these recent incidents. Along with these mass events, I have been praying for Rehtaeh Parsons' friends and family. 

If you have not heard of Rehtaeh's story, please look for it. I had actually been planning to post next about her case, but the Boston Bombing was still a sore subject and I wanted to elaborate on that first. Next I will talk a little about her case and talk a little more about heinous crime that degrades women - rape.

Please take care everyone and be safe!

Vacations

Hey there. Sorry for lack of posts. I had been trying to prepare for a trip back home to Indiana which I took last week. It was quite amazing, and did a huge number on my self esteem. My mother paid for my haircut and dye, which was a real emotional moment. I made some discoveries about my father and that side of the family, which were all quite good. And my friends accommodated me more than I could have imagined.

Basically, my haircut and dye was a huge change. The hair was just trimmed and slightly layered, but the hairdye was a darker color than I ever used before. I told the stylist I didn't want to see it until it was done, and she gladly obliged. When it was ready, she turned me around...and all I could say was, "Oh my God. Oh my God." I teared up, but held them back as best I could. For once, these were tears of joy. My self esteem had been pretty low the past few months, but when I saw myself in that mirror, I felt like a 10.

The day before, my sister and I had gone on a shopping spree. First time in 4 years I had new clothes, I felt pretty good. After the haircut, donning new clothes, I can't even explain the emotions I went through. I realized, I can look good. I can feel good. It was an eye opener.

At my Father's, I found for the first time in a long time, that I belonged. Of course I felt like I belong with my mother, but I was always the black sheep, or ugly duckling, of my family. I was loved, but odd. And nobody would say differently. I was the most sensitive, quietest, nicest, most passionate, and had the strangest taste, style, and emotions. However, at my father's for a night with his girlfriend...I began to see the resemblances. They stay up late, because dad cannot sleep well at night. Nor can I. Never have liked sleeping at night. Then, his love of coffee. Midnight, and we both were drinking coffee. Pot after pot. We had the same interests for television shows. And my sweet tooth must come from him.

I asked about our heritage, as I only ever knew my mother's side. What I found out, made so much sense. I am Scottish, German, and French. On my mother's side, I am Native American (I believe Cherokee), and French. All of these make sense for my hobbies, interests, and tastes. They also account quite a bit for my appearance. Pale skin, high cheek bones, etc.

The trip was a huge eye opener, and a great one. It was pretty cheap, minus the shopping trip. Driving back and forth was only around $200. Most everyone paid for my meals, or made them at home. And everyone drove me where I went. Stayed with my friend, sister, father, and my mom/grandparents.

My suggestion to you? Take a vacation. I know, you may not have time. What I love to do? On two days I have off, rent a hotel that is nearby your home. Be sure it has a pool, if you like to swim. Or a fitness center. Room service is a huge plus. As well as a fridge and microwave.

Traffic on the way home. 14 miles of endless traffic.

This can become your sanctuary. Grab your milk, and a couple meals to microwave from home. Do not leave the hotel. Use it to relax. Enjoy the pool or Jacuzzi. Or head to the workout center with some music and relax while you exercise. This is a great time to just relax and focus on yourself.

Medication

This post did not publish on time for some reason. This is about two weeks old, sorry!

I apologize for lack of posts. We have been so busy around here. Between me, who keeps getting sick, to friends who visited from out-of-state, to planning a trip back home to Indiana. It's been crazy!

Well, I thought an update was in order. I have two job interviews today, which are the first since moving here six months ago! I finally finished unpacking, which opened up much more space. The pets seem to be doing well. And I'm heading to Indiana April 1st-7th to visit friends and family. I truly miss them all more than I thought I would!

Today, I wanted to talk a little about medications. Not everyone who has suffered such a loss as we have need medication. However, some do. This is a hard thing to go through. It's lonely. It's sad. It hurts. It's overwhelming. Medication is okay. Do not be ashamed if you feel you need to get on something.

I admit, I'm on two anti-depressants right now. I've been on them a month. My mood has changed a bit all ready. Granted, one is causing a jittery side effect, but we are hoping it will work itself out. If not, we will try something else. My point though, is that it's perfectly fine if you need medications after a loss. It does not mean you are 'messed up' or that you have to take them the rest of your lives. Sometimes after such a big loss, you can get on medication for a year, then ween off and be fine.

There is nothing to be ashamed about. Some people think medication is 'bad'. I don't understand that. Sure you are welcome to try herbs or other natural remedies. Go right ahead and try those first. They didn't work for me. I still felt like I couldn't get out of bed, and I still broke down in the middle of the day.

If you ever have questions, do ask in my comment section (near the date and title of the post, there is 'Comments', then a number. Click the number to comment. - I'm looking into making that easier. You can do it anonymously so nobody knows.

UPDATE: I am now working at Outback.
UPDATE: I am now working at Joann Fabric and left Outback.