Four Years On

Where do I start? This Sunday will be 4 years to the day I lost my little Taybear. Four years ago began my journey to find out who I am. Am I a mom? Am I not? Am I grieving over nothing? Or over someone? Let me tell you now. 

Four years ago, I grieved for my child that should and could have been. Today, I grieve for my daughter. I grieve for her birthdays and holidays, I grieve for being a mother on Mother's Day, and I grieve for Dill on Father's Day. I've learned so much grief through my miscarriage that I often forget to be thankful for what I have. 

 A few nights ago, a thought came into my head that scared me. Terrified me. If I hadn't gone to the doctor, I may have never known I miscarried, let alone that I was pregnant. I would have never come to grieve my child who deserves to be grieved. So I am thankful, through all the tears, that I knew I had Taybear with me. And I am thankful that I knew she was gone. I'm so thankful she is a part of my life still and that I get to celebrate and grieve, together, on all of her important days. Am I a mom? Yes. I think of my child all the time. I celebrate birthdays, death days, and holidays as a mother. Sure many people do not know that I am one. But that's okay. I know. I know and so I celebrate. 

 Taylor started out as a depressive thought in my mind and has now grown to be something I look forward to. I'm excited for her birthdays. I'm ready to face the day she passed with joy. Because I did know her. And I know she is happy in Heaven.

So enjoy your holidays. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. And one day, I'll come on here and let you all know when we have another baby to celebrate. Whether here on earth or in heaven. We will try again, and we will celebrate again. No matter the outcome.

Love you so much Taylor Austin. I am blessed to be your Mommy!

Always,

Pickle

Moving On, But Not Forgotten

Taylor's 3rd birthday is approaching fast. It actually snuck up on me this year. I couldn't believe she would be 3 soon. How different things would be.

I'm thinking about doing a whole cake this year, instead of the cupcakes. I really wish I could find something more to do. But I guess I'll think of something now for next year. I know for her 5th birthday, I want to do a full-on party with Dill and me.

Unfortunately, since the last time I posted, we have lost two more of our pets. Jack and Loki. And we found out yesterday, we have a limited time with Bonkers. So we are reeling in losses the last few years.

It's not as if I didn't know this would happen. But saying you know and actually experiencing it are two very different things. To me, it's like reading all about Australia, then going. Yes, you knew what it would be like. But being there will still feel completely different.

Anyway! Started a new job and trying to get my life on the right track. I also am seeing a new psychiatrist as my last one didn't seem to be working with me as much as I needed. I am now diagnosed with some aspects of Bipolar Disorder, which makes so much sense. On my new meds, I'm able to let some things go. I feel more calm. And I feel like I'm finally moving on with my life since Taylor.

That is not to say I do not hurt still. Believe me, I do. But her loss doesn't feel like it happened yesterday. It feels like I grieving more appropriately to the timeframe. Sometimes, I feel bad about that. But in my heart, I know this is good.

I wish I could post more often, but life has been hectic the last year. Maybe one day I will be able to make this blog what I intended. But right now, I guess it's just not meant to be.

If you ever want to comment, but feel I might not be active on the blog...Please go ahead! I do check this weekly. I just don't post as often.

Thank you for your devotion to me, and your devotion to you in healing,

Pickle


Update: We lost our little girl, Bonkers. Three in four months is very hard. Now we have Lincoln and Riley. We're doing okay, actually. Sad, but okay.

Just Some Thoughts

Tomorrow, I'm going into surgery for a leg injury. I've been thinking about Taylor frequently. Just wanted to say I miss Tay and wish s/he were here. The pain never goes away, but I do feel like I can live. Though I'll never be whole, I know I will be with Taylor when it's time.

The other day in the store (I work at JoAnn Fabric and Crafts), I saw our first nursery frog print cotton fabric. We hadn't had one yet. There it was. Unexpectedly. Right there in the aisle I burst into tears. In seconds - blankets and curtains, bibs and onesies, valances and decor - flashed through my head. My Taylor's nursery. What it would have been.

Wish me luck with my surgery. Remember, it's okay to cry and grieve - no matter how long it has been.

Love,

Pickle

What a Sweet Uncle

This is the last of Taylor's Birthday Compilation.

For Taylor's 1st birthday, I asked my best friend, Uncle Kosher, to write Taylor something for her birthday. He so sweetly obliged. This was such a wonderful idea, and plan to ask him and another person to do so next year.

Uncle Kosher's Letter to Mommy

The letter reads:

Dear Taylor,

Your mother has been dropping subtle hints for me to write and send this letter, and some not so subtle ones as well. I suppose I feel like I should probably apologise (Uncle Kosher doesn't know how to spell)  for the shape of the paper I'm writing on. I had it packed away with some books and other things, and I guess they kind of messed them up. I should also probably apologise (Uncle Kosher doesn't know how to spell) for my handwriting. I'd use the excuse that I just haven't written in awhile, but to be honest, I just have horrible handwriting.

So, you know, I don't actually know what to say... I've never known what to say to younglings such as yourself. I suppose I should introduce myself, shouldn't I? We've not met, but I'm your crazy Uncle Kosher. I've known your mom for a long time, she's an amazing person. You're lucky to have such a loving Mother. She sometimes need help, so be sure to take care of her for me, ok? I'm counting on you now little one.

Oh, Happy Birthday, by the way. No, I didn't forget, I was stalling for dramatic effect. I don't have anything I can get you, so I'm going to attach a picture from a coloring book that I filled in recently. The other side is blank. Ask your mom to fill it in, ok?

Alright, I think that's all dear, Happy Birthday!

Love,

Uncle Kosher

The picture mommy is supposed to color.
I will do so on the 2 year anniversary
of joining Heaven. <3

Uncle Kosher's letter and picture

Happy Valentine's Day

Another idea I came up with for Taylor's first birthday, is for her Uncle Kosher to write her a letter. He is doing so and will send it sometime once he stops forgetting. Yes, that is a slight hint to Uncle Kosher.

So be expected a wonderful birthday post to her on March 2nd.

In the meantime, Happy Valentine's Day/Single Awareness Day! Whichever you prefer. Last night was wonderful. Dill and I headed downtown for the second time since moving and enjoyed a beautiful, yet cold, walk along the Battery. 

Also known as 'Rainbow Row'
Charleston, SC

Then we headed over to a cute dessert restaurant where we indulged in drinks and a deliciously warm brownie with ice cream.

Kaminsky's Most Excellent Cafe
Brownie Sunday

 I loved the experience so much, I even bought a pecan pie slice to go. Then we saw this guy set up a spot to pain/draw. As we walked by, I was astounded.

If I had cash on me, I would have bought it unfinished right there. It was gorgeous. It's funny - the things that make me think of Tay. This was a gorgeous and slightly abstract drawing of a horse-drawn carriage. The horse was white while the buildings behind and around it were purple and pink hues. I could imagine me placing this in her nursery for her to grow up with. It just represented so many things. It represented the beauty of the area we now live in. The beauty of life through the horse. This was a street artist who had magnificent talent, and I really wish we had cash. I'm not sure I'll ever forget that painting. I hope it goes to a good home.

Similar in style to Van Gogh's Starry Night,
but of a horse drawn carriage, and in purple and pink hues.

Well, what did you do for Valentine's?