Four Years On

Where do I start? This Sunday will be 4 years to the day I lost my little Taybear. Four years ago began my journey to find out who I am. Am I a mom? Am I not? Am I grieving over nothing? Or over someone? Let me tell you now. 

Four years ago, I grieved for my child that should and could have been. Today, I grieve for my daughter. I grieve for her birthdays and holidays, I grieve for being a mother on Mother's Day, and I grieve for Dill on Father's Day. I've learned so much grief through my miscarriage that I often forget to be thankful for what I have. 

 A few nights ago, a thought came into my head that scared me. Terrified me. If I hadn't gone to the doctor, I may have never known I miscarried, let alone that I was pregnant. I would have never come to grieve my child who deserves to be grieved. So I am thankful, through all the tears, that I knew I had Taybear with me. And I am thankful that I knew she was gone. I'm so thankful she is a part of my life still and that I get to celebrate and grieve, together, on all of her important days. Am I a mom? Yes. I think of my child all the time. I celebrate birthdays, death days, and holidays as a mother. Sure many people do not know that I am one. But that's okay. I know. I know and so I celebrate. 

 Taylor started out as a depressive thought in my mind and has now grown to be something I look forward to. I'm excited for her birthdays. I'm ready to face the day she passed with joy. Because I did know her. And I know she is happy in Heaven.

So enjoy your holidays. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. And one day, I'll come on here and let you all know when we have another baby to celebrate. Whether here on earth or in heaven. We will try again, and we will celebrate again. No matter the outcome.

Love you so much Taylor Austin. I am blessed to be your Mommy!

Always,

Pickle

Tough Months

Hello,

Once again I apologize for inactivity. It has been a rough and crazy few months. The holidays were exceptionally hard for me this past year for an unknown reason. Then Taylor's 2nd birthday was this past March 2nd. That was another hard one for me. Despite being busy, I've been pretty lost when it comes to giving advice on dealing with a miscarriage as I've been in deep grieving again myself.

Today, I'm still uncertain if I'm able to give the advice you need. But I wanted to update and explain why I've disappeared. Currently, I do not feel able to give advice when the advice isn't currently helping. I suppose that happens sometimes during grief, though.

I think what has brought the grief up so hard again is that Dill proposed last Christmas Day, I've been planning our wedding the last several months, we had our engagement photos done, we are planning on moving into a house in the next two years, and we have even talked about trying to start a family a year or two after the wedding.

Wonderful and amazing changes. However, sometimes it feels like all I am doing is forgetting about my lovely Taylor. I know I could never forget about her, but this planning on starting a family and doing all of this 'in order' feels like we never had a family yet. We never had Taylor.

I miss her. So much. Every day. It's hard sometimes to imagine having another child without her being here. It almost makes me feel guilty for wanting another child. For being excited to experience the full pregnancy. To be so happy on the day of our wedding and birth of our child. Though I have to remind myself Taylor is watching her Mommy, and wouldn't want me to be so sad. I try to remember to go along with my life as if she were here. Never forget her. Celebrate her.

This is why I celebrate her birthdays. I try to enjoy the holidays by remembering and honoring her. It's the only way I know how to get through this. It's how I know I would want my family to continue without me, and surely my lovely little one would want the same for her Dad and I. Remember that. Continue your life normally, but celebrate them as if they are physically here. It feels wonderful to honor them and celebrate them.

Eventually, when we have another child, we will throw actual parties with close family for Taylor. This way our second child will never forget how important their sister is. A cake, maybe some decorations, and just enjoy the day together.

I hope this helps anyone who needs it. Remember, I love comments. Ask questions. Request a post on something you need help with or are wondering about. I'll try to post through my grief. It's what I tell you guys to do, so I should follow my own advice! I'll leave you with a few more pictures of Dill and I. Happiness is still possible during grief.

Happy Valentine's Day

Another idea I came up with for Taylor's first birthday, is for her Uncle Kosher to write her a letter. He is doing so and will send it sometime once he stops forgetting. Yes, that is a slight hint to Uncle Kosher.

So be expected a wonderful birthday post to her on March 2nd.

In the meantime, Happy Valentine's Day/Single Awareness Day! Whichever you prefer. Last night was wonderful. Dill and I headed downtown for the second time since moving and enjoyed a beautiful, yet cold, walk along the Battery. 

Also known as 'Rainbow Row'
Charleston, SC

Then we headed over to a cute dessert restaurant where we indulged in drinks and a deliciously warm brownie with ice cream.

Kaminsky's Most Excellent Cafe
Brownie Sunday

 I loved the experience so much, I even bought a pecan pie slice to go. Then we saw this guy set up a spot to pain/draw. As we walked by, I was astounded.

If I had cash on me, I would have bought it unfinished right there. It was gorgeous. It's funny - the things that make me think of Tay. This was a gorgeous and slightly abstract drawing of a horse-drawn carriage. The horse was white while the buildings behind and around it were purple and pink hues. I could imagine me placing this in her nursery for her to grow up with. It just represented so many things. It represented the beauty of the area we now live in. The beauty of life through the horse. This was a street artist who had magnificent talent, and I really wish we had cash. I'm not sure I'll ever forget that painting. I hope it goes to a good home.

Similar in style to Van Gogh's Starry Night,
but of a horse drawn carriage, and in purple and pink hues.

Well, what did you do for Valentine's?