Hobbies Hobbies Galore

Update: We lost our little girl, Bonkers. Three in four months is very hard. Now we have Lincoln and Riley. We're doing okay, actually. Sad, but okay.

Hey guys.

So I've recently started making some lifestyle changes (less sugar, less sodium, less calorie intake to lose weight). And I must say that it feels good. It's been over two months now, and I feel good. I'm finally losing that weight I gained after I was injured (and around the time I was pregnant).

If you don't remember, I struggled with my weight since Tay. The extra weight I put on made me feel like I was pregnant. If I rounded just right, I looked it. It's so silly and naive, but it was a way I 'coped'. Now I hope I don't have to tell you, but that is not a good coping mechanism.

So I've finally started losing and in the process, I've found a new hobby. I very much enjoy yoga. Hey! Don't groan. Though, three months ago, I probably would have, too.

Yoga is great for your muscles and gets you out of the house! It helps you meet new people. It can be relatively inexpensive (generally $10/drop-in class or around $70-100 unlimited monthly). I very much respect my teachers and I have started to look forward to my classes.

I highly encourage you to find a hobby. It's helping me cope with the loss, depression, and daily stresses. I can't imagine ever going back to not doing it. It's fun.

If yoga still isn't your thing, then try a painting class, music, dance (I love dance!), crafts, etc. There are even groups out there that meet just to go out to places and eat or watch movies. Just try to find a hobby. If it involves weekly meets, all the better.



Also, you may be wondering why I didn't post on Taylor's birthday this year. I'll be honest. Brutally. I forgot Taylor's birthday. I had requested time off and everything and all I did was sit on my butt. The following day, I remembered and it felt like someone had punched me. How in the world could I forget that?

Don't beat yourself up if you forget these important dates. It only means you are finally moving on. And THAT'S OKAY! Really, it is. Celebrate when you feel like celebrating. It's okay if it doesn't land on any of the important dates. Your child would not want you to be unhappy, and you know that if they were here, you wouldn't have forgotten! But since they are not, sometimes their day just seems like another day. Nobody is wishing them happy birthday. You didn't have to buy gifts or plan a party. You have none of those 'hey this day is very important' cues.

Don't beat yourself up. Just celebrate when you want. Think of them. Talk to them if that helps. They would forgive you.


Anyway, that's all for now. Off to yoga! PS: I'm going to start adding photos again. Just bear with me through this crazy time!

Moving On, But Not Forgotten

Taylor's 3rd birthday is approaching fast. It actually snuck up on me this year. I couldn't believe she would be 3 soon. How different things would be.

I'm thinking about doing a whole cake this year, instead of the cupcakes. I really wish I could find something more to do. But I guess I'll think of something now for next year. I know for her 5th birthday, I want to do a full-on party with Dill and me.

Unfortunately, since the last time I posted, we have lost two more of our pets. Jack and Loki. And we found out yesterday, we have a limited time with Bonkers. So we are reeling in losses the last few years.

It's not as if I didn't know this would happen. But saying you know and actually experiencing it are two very different things. To me, it's like reading all about Australia, then going. Yes, you knew what it would be like. But being there will still feel completely different.

Anyway! Started a new job and trying to get my life on the right track. I also am seeing a new psychiatrist as my last one didn't seem to be working with me as much as I needed. I am now diagnosed with some aspects of Bipolar Disorder, which makes so much sense. On my new meds, I'm able to let some things go. I feel more calm. And I feel like I'm finally moving on with my life since Taylor.

That is not to say I do not hurt still. Believe me, I do. But her loss doesn't feel like it happened yesterday. It feels like I grieving more appropriately to the timeframe. Sometimes, I feel bad about that. But in my heart, I know this is good.

I wish I could post more often, but life has been hectic the last year. Maybe one day I will be able to make this blog what I intended. But right now, I guess it's just not meant to be.

If you ever want to comment, but feel I might not be active on the blog...Please go ahead! I do check this weekly. I just don't post as often.

Thank you for your devotion to me, and your devotion to you in healing,

Pickle


Update: We lost our little girl, Bonkers. Three in four months is very hard. Now we have Lincoln and Riley. We're doing okay, actually. Sad, but okay.

I Hear This is Normal

It doesn't feel like it has been over three years since we lost Taylor. Most days that feels about right. Those are the days where I can go through life normally, enjoying the time and things I have. Those are the days where I still think about her, but I keep moving.

Lately, those does don't seem to exist. And I often chastise myself for feeling pain all over again. "But yesterday I was fine!" I scream at myself. "Just move on, all ready!" Or that I often yell at myself about how selfish I am being for hurting so badly (and publicly) over only a miscarriage from three years ago when people I know lost an infant or had a miscarriage recently and seem to be doing so much better than I am.

Well, guess what?

GRIEF DOESN'T WORK IN A LINE!

I have someone I went to school with on a social media website who miscarried at 10 weeks last year. It seemed that for only a week did she ever mention their loss. Then, poof, she was over it. Another person on the site lost her infant son nine days after birth. She made a couple mentions for a few weeks, then nothing.

So why is it that I am constantly feeling this pain? Is this not normal? Am I just grasping for attention? Why do I feel like it's just happened all over again so often?

This is what I find myself going through most often. I'm mostly past "Why me?" and "Why my baby? Why did this happen?". Now it's more about why am I still grieving? Why can't I just be happy?

This is normal. When I finally pried a bit into my friend's mind - the one who suffered a loss at 10 weeks - she really opened my eyes. She explained that she still hurts every day. Sure she only posted to the world about it for a week, but then she felt like she was being a 'debbie downer' and felt that she must stop talking about it out of fear of burdening others with her 'sob story'.

Then she pointed me toward a few posts since her loss. Every October 15th (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day) she posts something relating to the event. And every few months, she mentions missing her little one in Heaven.

Essentially, what I want any of my readers to take from this is, are two things.

1. Just because the person seems okay, doesn't mean they are. Just because it has been 2+ years, doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. You should still sympathize with them.
   
2. This one I cannot say it enough. Grief doesn't work in a straight line or order. Before suffering our losses, I thought grief was supposed to work in some sort of order.

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

It doesn't work like that at all. Yes, I first went through Denial, then Anger, then as the rest follow. However, my grief has lasted three years (and will always continue until I'm with her again). Now that the initial stages of grief have occurred, I find myself having Acceptance, but then feeling great Anger suddenly. Or Depression.

Lately, I've been going through Depression all over again. Some times it happens for no reason, but recently we lost a pet, and it's brought this all on again. Grief does not go in any order. It just is. And that is okay.

Remember, if you have questions, concerns, want your voice heard, want to hear about something I've not talked about, please leave a comment or contact me if you have another way.

I really hope that Taylor's loss will be a positive one since it happened and I can't change it. Just remember one thing from this post today.

Grief is okay.

Happy Birthday to All the Angel Babies

Just thinking of my Taybear and wanted to wish all parents a happy birthday to their children and their angel babies. 

As much as I wanted to get this blog up and going, it just doesn't seem to be happening. Hence my long disappearances. Not sure if I will keep up the blog or not.

What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

'Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
And here on earth everything's different
There's an emptiness

Oh-oh, I,
I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the angels' choir
I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived

- Dani & Lizzy "Dancing in the Sky"

I'll always be here for anyone to talk to. Stay strong, you amazing parents!

A Few Helpful Books

Hey. Since I last posted, I decided to try and help myself more. I went to LifeWay Christian Store (I am religious, but these can help for anyone who believes in something, or nothing, else) near my work and looked at their grief section. It was so pitiful and tiny. They had less than twenty books in all, including all types of grief. The only books specifically for children were four. Two of those were specifically about losing kids (2+). I had hoped for another memorabilia item to add to Taylor's memory box, but they only had five items relating to grief or mourning.

I settled on the two remaining grief books. The first one I read was helpful. The woman had a miscarriage, then went on to have a risky pregnancy with twins. She then has a pregnancy which the doctors urged her to terminate because the child, if surviving in the womb, will not have a chance when born.

No, it is not directly relatable, however her grief helps me to realize I am not alone. The book does hold many scriptures, but mostly it talks about her experiences with the grief and how she has learned to cope and remember her child.

This book is "I will Carry You" by Angie Smith.

The second book, I have yet to read, but seems like I could relate to it more. I've skimmed the pages and it looks like it may be helpful. Once I've read it, I will post a review.

"Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg

Stay strong. You are not alone.

Pickle

Just Some Thoughts

Tomorrow, I'm going into surgery for a leg injury. I've been thinking about Taylor frequently. Just wanted to say I miss Tay and wish s/he were here. The pain never goes away, but I do feel like I can live. Though I'll never be whole, I know I will be with Taylor when it's time.

The other day in the store (I work at JoAnn Fabric and Crafts), I saw our first nursery frog print cotton fabric. We hadn't had one yet. There it was. Unexpectedly. Right there in the aisle I burst into tears. In seconds - blankets and curtains, bibs and onesies, valances and decor - flashed through my head. My Taylor's nursery. What it would have been.

Wish me luck with my surgery. Remember, it's okay to cry and grieve - no matter how long it has been.

Love,

Pickle

Happy 1st Birthday, Taybear!

It's here!

It's Taylor's birthday!

Going GREEN for Taylor's Birthday.

1:20 pm

So I decided to do something special. I decided to make 'professional' cupcakes. I wanted it to be the best cupcakes I've ever made, but also not from scratch considering that can cost more than a boxed mix these days. It was real simple, and I'm currently waiting on them to come out! I will say though, the batter tasted great! I know, I know...you're not supposed to eat raw egg. It's something my family has done since before I was born, and nobody has been sick from it. Since I'm an adult, and there are no kids around, I feel it's not a big deal. I'll take responsibility for myself if I get sick.

Everything but the pan.
So Simple!

Anyways, so here is the recipe I used:

RECIPE:

- 1 box cake mix (any flavor - I used Pillsbury Moist supreme Classic Yellow

- 3 Eggs (you can substitution with 4 egg whites)

- 1 Cup Milk (I used 2% so others should be fine as well AND omit the oil)

- 2 1/2 tbsp butter, melted (salted or unsalted will work. I used blue bonnet)

- 1 tsp Vanilla extract or flavoring (I used flavoring)

That's it! That is all the ingredients you need. And the best part? I didn't bother with a cupcake pan! Those things end up getting dirty somehow, they take up room in the cabinets, and it's hard to get the cupcakes out. So I grabbed some Reynolds Foil Baking Cups (35ct) for $1.88. They come lined with a paper cup, but since I bought the special butterfly ones for Tay (75ct for $1.88), I just decided to save those for another time! Then I put the special ones in the foil, and now I can reuse the foil cups! It's great. More on that later...

Cups and my flower liners

1. Melt the butter in the microwave
2. Add 3 eggs, cake mix, and milk (or soy milk, or whatever you are using) in a bowl on top of the butter.
3. Using a hand mixer, mix on low for 1 minute, then go up one for another minute. If using a spoon, make sure it is a large spoon and stir for 2 minutes. It may have a few clumps and won't looks as creamy, but it will still work.
   
   

   

   The mix! So creamy!
   It's almost a texture to brownies!

4. Line the foil cups with the liners that come with them, or your own pretty liners.
   
   

   

   Cups and my liners.
5. Place on cookie sheet (should bake a dozen at a time.
6. Fill cups with a tablespoon (just under halfway).

   

   1 tbsp batter into the cups

   
   
7. Place in preheated oven at 350 degrees for 13-20 minutes (my oven always makes the sides hard if I do full time, so for these it took 13 minutes to be done). Just keep an eye on them. As soon as they start to brown on the top, pull them out and off the sheet.

   

   Browned on top.

   
   
8. After they cool slightly, turn upside down in your hand and the cupcake and the liner will slide right out of the foil. Now you can store the foil and reuse!
9. Let cool at least an hour

Now what about the icing?

ICING:

- Pillsbury Creamy Supreme Cream Cheese (any vanilla should work $1.88)

- Betty Crocker Classic Gel Food Colors (I think it was around $3)

1. Let cupcakes cool COMPLETELY
2. Open the icing and stir.
3. Add 10 drops of food coloring of your choice, then stir until blended well. (I wanted darker green, so I used a lot)
4. Fluff with a fork, then use a knife to scoop onto the cupcakes.
5. Spread gently.
6. Optional: Let stand a few minutes, then squeeze out the Confetti Gel in a zigzag pattern (Extras - below)

Extras (Can be omitted):

- Cake Mate Confetti Gel (I used Pink Dots, around $2)

- Cake Mate Confetti Candles ($1)
- Cake Mate Happy Birthday Candles (Around $3)

 Here are some pictures throughout Tay's birthday.

Finished Cupcakes!

Lit candles at the beach
One for Daddy
One for Mommy

Mommy eating the cupcake
and thinking about her Taybear

Gorgeous sunset on her birthday.

The gorgeous bridge all lit up.

The bridge lit up.
Great ending to her celebration.

New Feature: E-mail Subscription

Hello, everyone. Hope your Wednesday is going well!

I wanted to alert you to a new feature I added a few days ago: e-mail subscription! All you have to do is submit your e-mail address to the left and anytime there is a new post, you will receive an e-mail. That is the only purpose. Your e-mails will be private and will never be published or open to the public!

Enjoy!

An Early Birthday Celebration

I decided to make cake last night, so I made two separate round cakes. One is decorated with sprinkles and a lone pink candle. The other is just icing.
I decided to do an early celebration for Taylor's upcoming birthday, considering I've been thinking about her a lot.
Here you go. Simple, yet meaningful.

My Comfort Items and Finding Yours

Since the holidays, I have found myself struggling even more than before, especially with her first birthday coming up. In order to keep myself from delving too deeply into depression, I've been distracting myself. However, distractions can only do so much. So I have been angry instead of sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm exhausted of being sad, but being angry has caused issues between Dill and me.

So what did I do? What do you do if you can't seem to express yourself, or you don't want to express your sadness?

Express it. It's not that simple, I know. It's not what you want to do, but it is what you need to do. Your mind and body are screaming at you to cry more. Even if no tears come. They want you to think about your baby. What could have been. What happened. And it's okay.

It's okay to GRIEVE.

Sure you don't want to cry all the time. You shouldn't dwell on it everyday, all the time. But it is perfectly fine to cry and think about it when you need. It's tiring. It isn't fun to be grieving. Even years later. But it is normal. It is fine. It is okay to grieve. So let it out.

But I'm afraid I will never stop

So am I, but I have stopped before. I went a couple months without crying or grieving real hard. Sure I thought about Taylor. Of course I did. But it wasn't all day everyday feeling like I was being crushed by the grief. Let it out. The next day, take time to yourself if you are able. Do comfort things. Relax. Read a book all day. Take a bubble bath. Sit on the couch and be lazy. Take the kids to the park and enjoy watching them play. Do something you enjoy, but doesn't use a lot of energy or thought. 

I recently developed a love for bubble baths. Not hot ones. No. Cool ones. I find it more calming. Though I am a cold-blooded person. I also love coffee. So on the really bad days, like recently. I'll promise myself coffee from the local shop as long as I get one chore done. It helps. Or if I'm having a real bad day and can't spend the money or take the time to go out? I make some hot cocoa or iced tea, take a moment to sit down and relax while I drink it. Cuddle with Dill if he is home from work. Then I get back to it.

Thank you, Target!
Espresso cup and saucer - less than $5.

For some reason, humans are now taught to never care for themselves and just keep going and pushing yourself until you fall apart. This is wrong. I don't want to fall apart, do you? So I treat myself to a drink I love, or relax every now and then when things get too tough.

I also bought a memory box in honor of Taylor, which helps me quite a bit more than I expected. I have it on my dresser, so I can look over there when I need to, or not look at it all the time when I don't. It's not in my view constantly, reminding me, but it's easy to access and see if I need. I themed it with what her nursery would have been, and it has a small note from me handwritten by the maker (etsy) and her due date.

I'm waiting on my Molly Bear (Help and Support), which I think will be greatly helpful to have something to hold and cuddle with. So please find a good coping mechanism other than ignoring your emotions. It doesn't help.

With that, I'm heading off to spend some time with Dill. I'll be making a post about Taylor's birthday once it is closer. If you want me to write about something or give advice on something specific, do comment. I'll take in all considerations. This blog is for me and YOU. 

The Beginning, The End, and the New Beginning

Hello,

My name is Pickle; I live with my boyfriend, Dill, of 3 1/2 years. To best describe this blog, it is the blog of a grieving mother who miscarried early in her pregnancy. My pregnancy. To best explain this blog, it will help if I start from the beginning.

In June 2011, Dill and I weren't the safest when it came to protection. I was on birth control, which we never knew it could fail without warning at times (and it can). I had started ovulated, which was unusual, but I didn't understand then how the bc pill worked. All I knew is that if I took it, there was supposedly a 99% chance I would not get pregnant. Thanks to this huge misunderstanding of the pill...A new chapter in both our lives opened.

About the second week of June, I began to feel off. Different. Normally I felt lonely, but I had started to feel better. I summed it up to getting over my depression. During the third week of June, I kept telling Dill, "Something is different. I don't know what, but I feel different". During the second week of June, I started spotting. The spotting continued until the third week. I now realize this was my implantation bleeding and my baby was being created.

Then I started my period later in June. Again, this was part of the implantation bleeding. Early in July, I began to cramp. It was around this time I was realizing I was pregnant. A friend mentioned my sore nipples and breasts, my sudden nausea, my sudden fatigue, and a few other symptoms. These were not normal symptoms of my period. When she mentioned the possibility, it felt right. That is why I had felt different and less alone. I was most definitely pregnant.

I tested July 9th, but it was negative. July 12th, I started bleeding heavily, yet still too light for an actual period. It was dark and clotted.

The way my symptoms were, it was a miscarriage or an early and messed up cycle. Though I know I do not have evidence - a stupid little line saying I was pregnant - I know that I was. The symptoms were out of character for my cycles, the bleeding was unusual, I had ovulated which I was not supposed to, and I just knew something was different.

It wasn't until the beginning of July when I realized I was pregnant. I immediately began thinking of a nursery, names, etc. Dill was terrified. He wanted to consider adoption, as we both disagree (for us) on abortion. He knew though, that I would never put my child up for adoption. We looked into ways we could get assistance, and I began telling him the things I wanted for the nursery. My symptoms increased during the next week, and then they suddenly stopped.

Heavier bleeding came, and the symptoms were gone. I tested again and another Negative. And only then did I begin to realize what my body had just done. I went to the doctor on one of the days I was still bleeding, and the doctor shrugged and said it could have been an early miscarriage. That was it. He said it could have been my bc pill didn't work for some reason. He mentioned antibiotics could cause it to be ineffective or less effective. And then I remembered I had been on an antibiotic the previous month. He nodded, saying that could cause break-through bleeding, or could have led to me becoming pregnant.

Then he said it could be either and not to worry about. His exact words, "If it was a miscarriage, do you really want to delve down that road? Why don't you just forget about this and move on, so you will never know." Then he left. He just told me I most likely had a miscarriage...and to forget about it.

Needless to say, I went home numb and confused. Dill was relieved, which only added to my confusion and imminent breakdown. The following weeks were hard. I still couldn't grasp the symptoms had suddenly stopped. I couldn't understand how Dill was so perfectly fine with this. And I most definitely couldn't understand my idiot doctor.

I figured out I was around 4 weeks when my baby passed. The next few months were hard. I had various breakdowns. I tried to tell my family, but they just shook their heads and said it was nothing. My counselor agreed. If the doctor said it might not have been, despite him telling me it was most likely a miscarriage, then I had never been pregnant. Especially since I didn't get a positive result.

Just because I didn't go around saying I had a pink or blue line, nobody believed it happened. If I had just said I had seen one, everyone would have been a little more understanding. But no. I knew my baby was there. The doctor said it was highly likely the baby was there. And Dill agreed the symptoms fit. Yet, nobody believed me.

It's only been the last year when I realized it's just not something people want to believe. They don't want something so sad to be true. So they blocked it out. Just like the doctor told me to do. But that's just wrong. My baby is in Heaven now. S/he will never be able to scream or yell, "I WAS HERE!". No. I have to do that for them.

A few months after the miscarriage, I begged the Lord to show me what sex my baby was. The night before, Dill and I named him/her a unisex name, Taylor Austin K. The night after my prayer, I dreamt of a dirty-blonde-haired girl running up to me, about six or seven, saying, "Mommy!". She ran into my arms and hugged me. Then I awoke.

Frog box, resembling her would-be nursery.

Taylor would have been a girl. The first girl in my family out of all of my cousins and sister. Still, to this day, the only one in my family who believes she existed is my mom, who finally realized she too had felt that 'something was different', and my dad and his girlfriend.

Dill has come around a little. He still says it may have been a blessing in disguise, which I do not agree with to an extent. Though, he is very supportive during my breakdowns. Taylor would have been born approximately March 2, 2012. We are coming up on her one-year birthday, which I am still attempting to figure out how to celebrate her.

The due date is March 2012, not May.

My blog is not just about how I have grieved, or how hard it is for me. It's to hopefully help someone going through something similar. I hope to inspire others to never give up, and to not allow society to change the way you feel or think. I knew my baby girl was here, despite many people saying she didn't exist or it didn't matter. Because I felt strongly enough about it, I feel I am stronger now, and more capable to help others.