Update: We lost our little girl, Bonkers. Three in four months is very hard. Now we have Lincoln and Riley. We're doing okay, actually. Sad, but okay.
Hey guys.
So I've recently started making some lifestyle changes (less sugar, less sodium, less calorie intake to lose weight). And I must say that it feels good. It's been over two months now, and I feel good. I'm finally losing that weight I gained after I was injured (and around the time I was pregnant).
If you don't remember, I struggled with my weight since Tay. The extra weight I put on made me feel like I was pregnant. If I rounded just right, I looked it. It's so silly and naive, but it was a way I 'coped'. Now I hope I don't have to tell you, but that is not a good coping mechanism.
So I've finally started losing and in the process, I've found a new hobby. I very much enjoy yoga. Hey! Don't groan. Though, three months ago, I probably would have, too.
Yoga is great for your muscles and gets you out of the house! It helps you meet new people. It can be relatively inexpensive (generally $10/drop-in class or around $70-100 unlimited monthly). I very much respect my teachers and I have started to look forward to my classes.
I highly encourage you to find a hobby. It's helping me cope with the loss, depression, and daily stresses. I can't imagine ever going back to not doing it. It's fun.
If yoga still isn't your thing, then try a painting class, music, dance (I love dance!), crafts, etc. There are even groups out there that meet just to go out to places and eat or watch movies. Just try to find a hobby. If it involves weekly meets, all the better.
Also, you may be wondering why I didn't post on Taylor's birthday this year. I'll be honest. Brutally. I forgot Taylor's birthday. I had requested time off and everything and all I did was sit on my butt. The following day, I remembered and it felt like someone had punched me. How in the world could I forget that?
Don't beat yourself up if you forget these important dates. It only means you are finally moving on. And THAT'S OKAY! Really, it is. Celebrate when you feel like celebrating. It's okay if it doesn't land on any of the important dates. Your child would not want you to be unhappy, and you know that if they were here, you wouldn't have forgotten! But since they are not, sometimes their day just seems like another day. Nobody is wishing them happy birthday. You didn't have to buy gifts or plan a party. You have none of those 'hey this day is very important' cues.
Don't beat yourself up. Just celebrate when you want. Think of them. Talk to them if that helps. They would forgive you.
Anyway, that's all for now. Off to yoga! PS: I'm going to start adding photos again. Just bear with me through this crazy time!
Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Moving On, But Not Forgotten
Taylor's 3rd birthday is approaching fast. It actually snuck up on me this year. I couldn't believe she would be 3 soon. How different things would be.
I'm thinking about doing a whole cake this year, instead of the cupcakes. I really wish I could find something more to do. But I guess I'll think of something now for next year. I know for her 5th birthday, I want to do a full-on party with Dill and me.
Unfortunately, since the last time I posted, we have lost two more of our pets. Jack and Loki. And we found out yesterday, we have a limited time with Bonkers. So we are reeling in losses the last few years.
It's not as if I didn't know this would happen. But saying you know and actually experiencing it are two very different things. To me, it's like reading all about Australia, then going. Yes, you knew what it would be like. But being there will still feel completely different.
Anyway! Started a new job and trying to get my life on the right track. I also am seeing a new psychiatrist as my last one didn't seem to be working with me as much as I needed. I am now diagnosed with some aspects of Bipolar Disorder, which makes so much sense. On my new meds, I'm able to let some things go. I feel more calm. And I feel like I'm finally moving on with my life since Taylor.
That is not to say I do not hurt still. Believe me, I do. But her loss doesn't feel like it happened yesterday. It feels like I grieving more appropriately to the timeframe. Sometimes, I feel bad about that. But in my heart, I know this is good.
I wish I could post more often, but life has been hectic the last year. Maybe one day I will be able to make this blog what I intended. But right now, I guess it's just not meant to be.
If you ever want to comment, but feel I might not be active on the blog...Please go ahead! I do check this weekly. I just don't post as often.
Thank you for your devotion to me, and your devotion to you in healing,
Pickle
Update: We lost our little girl, Bonkers. Three in four months is very hard. Now we have Lincoln and Riley. We're doing okay, actually. Sad, but okay.
Update: We lost our little girl, Bonkers. Three in four months is very hard. Now we have Lincoln and Riley. We're doing okay, actually. Sad, but okay.
I Hear This is Normal
It doesn't feel like it has been over three years since we lost Taylor. Most days that feels about right. Those are the days where I can go through life normally, enjoying the time and things I have. Those are the days where I still think about her, but I keep moving.
Lately, those does don't seem to exist. And I often chastise myself for feeling pain all over again. "But yesterday I was fine!" I scream at myself. "Just move on, all ready!" Or that I often yell at myself about how selfish I am being for hurting so badly (and publicly) over only a miscarriage from three years ago when people I know lost an infant or had a miscarriage recently and seem to be doing so much better than I am.
Well, guess what?
GRIEF DOESN'T WORK IN A LINE!
I have someone I went to school with on a social media website who miscarried at 10 weeks last year. It seemed that for only a week did she ever mention their loss. Then, poof, she was over it. Another person on the site lost her infant son nine days after birth. She made a couple mentions for a few weeks, then nothing.
So why is it that I am constantly feeling this pain? Is this not normal? Am I just grasping for attention? Why do I feel like it's just happened all over again so often?
This is what I find myself going through most often. I'm mostly past "Why me?" and "Why my baby? Why did this happen?". Now it's more about why am I still grieving? Why can't I just be happy?
This is normal. When I finally pried a bit into my friend's mind - the one who suffered a loss at 10 weeks - she really opened my eyes. She explained that she still hurts every day. Sure she only posted to the world about it for a week, but then she felt like she was being a 'debbie downer' and felt that she must stop talking about it out of fear of burdening others with her 'sob story'.
Then she pointed me toward a few posts since her loss. Every October 15th (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day) she posts something relating to the event. And every few months, she mentions missing her little one in Heaven.
Essentially, what I want any of my readers to take from this is, are two things.
Lately, those does don't seem to exist. And I often chastise myself for feeling pain all over again. "But yesterday I was fine!" I scream at myself. "Just move on, all ready!" Or that I often yell at myself about how selfish I am being for hurting so badly (and publicly) over only a miscarriage from three years ago when people I know lost an infant or had a miscarriage recently and seem to be doing so much better than I am.
Well, guess what?
GRIEF DOESN'T WORK IN A LINE!
I have someone I went to school with on a social media website who miscarried at 10 weeks last year. It seemed that for only a week did she ever mention their loss. Then, poof, she was over it. Another person on the site lost her infant son nine days after birth. She made a couple mentions for a few weeks, then nothing.
So why is it that I am constantly feeling this pain? Is this not normal? Am I just grasping for attention? Why do I feel like it's just happened all over again so often?
This is what I find myself going through most often. I'm mostly past "Why me?" and "Why my baby? Why did this happen?". Now it's more about why am I still grieving? Why can't I just be happy?
This is normal. When I finally pried a bit into my friend's mind - the one who suffered a loss at 10 weeks - she really opened my eyes. She explained that she still hurts every day. Sure she only posted to the world about it for a week, but then she felt like she was being a 'debbie downer' and felt that she must stop talking about it out of fear of burdening others with her 'sob story'.
Then she pointed me toward a few posts since her loss. Every October 15th (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day) she posts something relating to the event. And every few months, she mentions missing her little one in Heaven.
Essentially, what I want any of my readers to take from this is, are two things.
- Just because the person seems okay, doesn't mean they are. Just because it has been 2+ years, doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. You should still sympathize with them.
- This one I cannot say it enough. Grief doesn't work in a straight line or order. Before suffering our losses, I thought grief was supposed to work in some sort of order.
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
It doesn't work like that at all. Yes, I first went through Denial, then Anger, then as the rest follow. However, my grief has lasted three years (and will always continue until I'm with her again). Now that the initial stages of grief have occurred, I find myself having Acceptance, but then feeling great Anger suddenly. Or Depression.
Lately, I've been going through Depression all over again. Some times it happens for no reason, but recently we lost a pet, and it's brought this all on again. Grief does not go in any order. It just is. And that is okay.
Remember, if you have questions, concerns, want your voice heard, want to hear about something I've not talked about, please leave a comment or contact me if you have another way.
I really hope that Taylor's loss will be a positive one since it happened and I can't change it. Just remember one thing from this post today.
Grief is okay.
Happy Birthday to All the Angel Babies
Just thinking of my Taybear and wanted to wish all parents a happy birthday to their children and their angel babies.
As much as I wanted to get this blog up and going, it just doesn't seem to be happening. Hence my long disappearances. Not sure if I will keep up the blog or not.
What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?
'Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
And here on earth everything's different
There's an emptiness
Oh-oh, I,
I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the angels' choir
I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived
Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?
'Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
And here on earth everything's different
There's an emptiness
Oh-oh, I,
I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the angels' choir
I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived
- Dani & Lizzy "Dancing in the Sky"
I'll always be here for anyone to talk to. Stay strong, you amazing parents!
A Few Helpful Books
Hey. Since I last posted, I decided to try and help myself more. I went to LifeWay Christian Store (I am religious, but these can help for anyone who believes in something, or nothing, else) near my work and looked at their grief section. It was so pitiful and tiny. They had less than twenty books in all, including all types of grief. The only books specifically for children were four. Two of those were specifically about losing kids (2+). I had hoped for another memorabilia item to add to Taylor's memory box, but they only had five items relating to grief or mourning.
I settled on the two remaining grief books. The first one I read was helpful. The woman had a miscarriage, then went on to have a risky pregnancy with twins. She then has a pregnancy which the doctors urged her to terminate because the child, if surviving in the womb, will not have a chance when born.
No, it is not directly relatable, however her grief helps me to realize I am not alone. The book does hold many scriptures, but mostly it talks about her experiences with the grief and how she has learned to cope and remember her child.
I settled on the two remaining grief books. The first one I read was helpful. The woman had a miscarriage, then went on to have a risky pregnancy with twins. She then has a pregnancy which the doctors urged her to terminate because the child, if surviving in the womb, will not have a chance when born.
No, it is not directly relatable, however her grief helps me to realize I am not alone. The book does hold many scriptures, but mostly it talks about her experiences with the grief and how she has learned to cope and remember her child.
This book is "I will Carry You" by Angie Smith.
The second book, I have yet to read, but seems like I could relate to it more. I've skimmed the pages and it looks like it may be helpful. Once I've read it, I will post a review.
"Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg
Stay strong. You are not alone.
Pickle
Tough Months
Hello,
Once again I apologize for inactivity. It has been a rough and crazy few months. The holidays were exceptionally hard for me this past year for an unknown reason. Then Taylor's 2nd birthday was this past March 2nd. That was another hard one for me. Despite being busy, I've been pretty lost when it comes to giving advice on dealing with a miscarriage as I've been in deep grieving again myself.
Today, I'm still uncertain if I'm able to give the advice you need. But I wanted to update and explain why I've disappeared. Currently, I do not feel able to give advice when the advice isn't currently helping. I suppose that happens sometimes during grief, though.
I think what has brought the grief up so hard again is that Dill proposed last Christmas Day, I've been planning our wedding the last several months, we had our engagement photos done, we are planning on moving into a house in the next two years, and we have even talked about trying to start a family a year or two after the wedding.
Wonderful and amazing changes. However, sometimes it feels like all I am doing is forgetting about my lovely Taylor. I know I could never forget about her, but this planning on starting a family and doing all of this 'in order' feels like we never had a family yet. We never had Taylor.
I miss her. So much. Every day. It's hard sometimes to imagine having another child without her being here. It almost makes me feel guilty for wanting another child. For being excited to experience the full pregnancy. To be so happy on the day of our wedding and birth of our child. Though I have to remind myself Taylor is watching her Mommy, and wouldn't want me to be so sad. I try to remember to go along with my life as if she were here. Never forget her. Celebrate her.
This is why I celebrate her birthdays. I try to enjoy the holidays by remembering and honoring her. It's the only way I know how to get through this. It's how I know I would want my family to continue without me, and surely my lovely little one would want the same for her Dad and I. Remember that. Continue your life normally, but celebrate them as if they are physically here. It feels wonderful to honor them and celebrate them.
Eventually, when we have another child, we will throw actual parties with close family for Taylor. This way our second child will never forget how important their sister is. A cake, maybe some decorations, and just enjoy the day together.
I hope this helps anyone who needs it. Remember, I love comments. Ask questions. Request a post on something you need help with or are wondering about. I'll try to post through my grief. It's what I tell you guys to do, so I should follow my own advice! I'll leave you with a few more pictures of Dill and I. Happiness is still possible during grief.
Once again I apologize for inactivity. It has been a rough and crazy few months. The holidays were exceptionally hard for me this past year for an unknown reason. Then Taylor's 2nd birthday was this past March 2nd. That was another hard one for me. Despite being busy, I've been pretty lost when it comes to giving advice on dealing with a miscarriage as I've been in deep grieving again myself.
Today, I'm still uncertain if I'm able to give the advice you need. But I wanted to update and explain why I've disappeared. Currently, I do not feel able to give advice when the advice isn't currently helping. I suppose that happens sometimes during grief, though.
I think what has brought the grief up so hard again is that Dill proposed last Christmas Day, I've been planning our wedding the last several months, we had our engagement photos done, we are planning on moving into a house in the next two years, and we have even talked about trying to start a family a year or two after the wedding.
Wonderful and amazing changes. However, sometimes it feels like all I am doing is forgetting about my lovely Taylor. I know I could never forget about her, but this planning on starting a family and doing all of this 'in order' feels like we never had a family yet. We never had Taylor.
I miss her. So much. Every day. It's hard sometimes to imagine having another child without her being here. It almost makes me feel guilty for wanting another child. For being excited to experience the full pregnancy. To be so happy on the day of our wedding and birth of our child. Though I have to remind myself Taylor is watching her Mommy, and wouldn't want me to be so sad. I try to remember to go along with my life as if she were here. Never forget her. Celebrate her.
This is why I celebrate her birthdays. I try to enjoy the holidays by remembering and honoring her. It's the only way I know how to get through this. It's how I know I would want my family to continue without me, and surely my lovely little one would want the same for her Dad and I. Remember that. Continue your life normally, but celebrate them as if they are physically here. It feels wonderful to honor them and celebrate them.
Eventually, when we have another child, we will throw actual parties with close family for Taylor. This way our second child will never forget how important their sister is. A cake, maybe some decorations, and just enjoy the day together.
I hope this helps anyone who needs it. Remember, I love comments. Ask questions. Request a post on something you need help with or are wondering about. I'll try to post through my grief. It's what I tell you guys to do, so I should follow my own advice! I'll leave you with a few more pictures of Dill and I. Happiness is still possible during grief.
Just Some Thoughts
Tomorrow, I'm going into surgery for a leg injury. I've been thinking about Taylor frequently. Just wanted to say I miss Tay and wish s/he were here. The pain never goes away, but I do feel like I can live. Though I'll never be whole, I know I will be with Taylor when it's time.
The other day in the store (I work at JoAnn Fabric and Crafts), I saw our first nursery frog print cotton fabric. We hadn't had one yet. There it was. Unexpectedly. Right there in the aisle I burst into tears. In seconds - blankets and curtains, bibs and onesies, valances and decor - flashed through my head. My Taylor's nursery. What it would have been.
Wish me luck with my surgery. Remember, it's okay to cry and grieve - no matter how long it has been.
Love,
Pickle
What a Sweet Uncle
This is the last of Taylor's Birthday Compilation.
For Taylor's 1st birthday, I asked my best friend, Uncle Kosher, to write Taylor something for her birthday. He so sweetly obliged. This was such a wonderful idea, and plan to ask him and another person to do so next year.
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| Uncle Kosher's Letter to Mommy |
Dear Taylor,
Your mother has been dropping subtle hints for me to write and send this letter, and some not so subtle ones as well. I suppose I feel like I should probably apologise (Uncle Kosher doesn't know how to spell) for the shape of the paper I'm writing on. I had it packed away with some books and other things, and I guess they kind of messed them up. I should also probably apologise (Uncle Kosher doesn't know how to spell) for my handwriting. I'd use the excuse that I just haven't written in awhile, but to be honest, I just have horrible handwriting.
So, you know, I don't actually know what to say... I've never known what to say to younglings such as yourself. I suppose I should introduce myself, shouldn't I? We've not met, but I'm your crazy Uncle Kosher. I've known your mom for a long time, she's an amazing person. You're lucky to have such a loving Mother. She sometimes need help, so be sure to take care of her for me, ok? I'm counting on you now little one.
Oh, Happy Birthday, by the way. No, I didn't forget, I was stalling for dramatic effect. I don't have anything I can get you, so I'm going to attach a picture from a coloring book that I filled in recently. The other side is blank. Ask your mom to fill it in, ok?
Alright, I think that's all dear, Happy Birthday!
Love,
Uncle Kosher
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| The picture mommy is supposed to color. I will do so on the 2 year anniversary of joining Heaven. <3 |
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| Uncle Kosher's letter and picture |
Happy 1st Birthday, Taybear!
It's here!
It's Taylor's birthday!
Going GREEN for Taylor's Birthday.
1:20 pm
So I decided to do something special. I decided to make 'professional' cupcakes. I wanted it to be the best cupcakes I've ever made, but also not from scratch considering that can cost more than a boxed mix these days. It was real simple, and I'm currently waiting on them to come out! I will say though, the batter tasted great! I know, I know...you're not supposed to eat raw egg. It's something my family has done since before I was born, and nobody has been sick from it. Since I'm an adult, and there are no kids around, I feel it's not a big deal. I'll take responsibility for myself if I get sick.
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| Everything but the pan. So Simple! |
Anyways, so here is the recipe I used:
RECIPE:
- 1 box cake mix (any flavor - I used Pillsbury Moist supreme Classic Yellow
- 3 Eggs (you can substitution with 4 egg whites)
- 1 Cup Milk (I used 2% so others should be fine as well AND omit the oil)
- 2 1/2 tbsp butter, melted (salted or unsalted will work. I used blue bonnet)
- 1 tsp Vanilla extract or flavoring (I used flavoring)
That's it! That is all the ingredients you need. And the best part? I didn't bother with a cupcake pan! Those things end up getting dirty somehow, they take up room in the cabinets, and it's hard to get the cupcakes out. So I grabbed some Reynolds Foil Baking Cups (35ct) for $1.88. They come lined with a paper cup, but since I bought the special butterfly ones for Tay (75ct for $1.88), I just decided to save those for another time! Then I put the special ones in the foil, and now I can reuse the foil cups! It's great. More on that later...
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| Cups and my flower liners |
- Melt the butter in the microwave
- Add 3 eggs, cake mix, and milk (or soy milk, or whatever you are using) in a bowl on top of the butter.
- Using a hand mixer, mix on low for 1 minute, then go up one for another minute. If using a spoon, make sure it is a large spoon and stir for 2 minutes. It may have a few clumps and won't looks as creamy, but it will still work.
The mix! So creamy!
It's almost a texture to brownies! - Line the foil cups with the liners that come with them, or your own pretty liners.
Cups and my liners. - Place on cookie sheet (should bake a dozen at a time.
- Fill cups with a tablespoon (just under halfway).
1 tbsp batter into the cups - Place in preheated oven at 350 degrees for 13-20 minutes (my oven always makes the sides hard if I do full time, so for these it took 13 minutes to be done). Just keep an eye on them. As soon as they start to brown on the top, pull them out and off the sheet.
Browned on top. - After they cool slightly, turn upside down in your hand and the cupcake and the liner will slide right out of the foil. Now you can store the foil and reuse!
- Let cool at least an hour
Now what about the icing?
ICING:
- Pillsbury Creamy Supreme Cream Cheese (any vanilla should work $1.88)
- Betty Crocker Classic Gel Food Colors (I think it was around $3)
- Let cupcakes cool COMPLETELY
- Open the icing and stir.
- Add 10 drops of food coloring of your choice, then stir until blended well. (I wanted darker green, so I used a lot)
- Fluff with a fork, then use a knife to scoop onto the cupcakes.
- Spread gently.
- Optional: Let stand a few minutes, then squeeze out the Confetti Gel in a zigzag pattern (Extras - below)
Extras (Can be omitted):
- Cake Mate Confetti Gel (I used Pink Dots, around $2)
- Cake Mate Confetti Candles ($1)
- Cake Mate Happy Birthday Candles (Around $3)
- Cake Mate Happy Birthday Candles (Around $3)
Here are some pictures throughout Tay's birthday.
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| Finished Cupcakes! |
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| Lit candles at the beach One for Daddy One for Mommy |
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| Mommy eating the cupcake and thinking about her Taybear |
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| Gorgeous sunset on her birthday. |
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| The gorgeous bridge all lit up. |
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| The bridge lit up. Great ending to her celebration. |
I Love Saturdays!
Just a quick update.
Set up the coffee bar temporarily, until I can gather the supplies needed to re-do the table.
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| Sorry about image quality. But here is my beauty. |
The little canister with the woman is a tin I found at Goodwill a few months back. It's in great condition, and is cute. I use it for my sugar (yellow Domino's canister will be repurposed later). Eventually I want most, if not all, of my mugs hanging above the table, and the picture above will be moved to another wall. Now remember that cluttered and overflowing cabinet I showed you?
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| Before and After I can now reach the containers! The cups above are ones that will eventually be moved to the coffee bar. We now have space for all of our containers, cups, and dinnerware! It's excited. |
This project has helped keep me busy the last few days. I'm excited to continue sharing my projects and experiences with you. Next, I'm tackling cleaning the barstools. Have yet to figure out what I will do with them!
Also, keep on the lookout for Taylor's special birthday post coming up Saturday March 2nd. It will be pretty late, but I'll get it up. I have some great things planned, and I can't wait to celebrate her in Heaven!
Also, keep on the lookout for Taylor's special birthday post coming up Saturday March 2nd. It will be pretty late, but I'll get it up. I have some great things planned, and I can't wait to celebrate her in Heaven!
Let's Get Things Done
So, we have been focusing a lot on the miscarriage experience in itself. How about we take a little bit of time to figure out what to do next. For myself, I love to keep busy. Since I am currently unemployed and without children, I find I have a lot of time on my hands. Some may think this would be a nice way to live, but it isn't. Let me stop you there. It's depressing, lonely, and I feel like a lazy bum despite not being lazy. It's hard to find a job, especially with an injury (more on that some other time). It's even harder to find a job that you like, which isn't the determining factor if I will apply. But it is also hard finding a job when you are still grieving. Very hard. So let's focus on us a minute all right?
That being said. I have been finding myself more and more depressed, bored, and lazy. Yeah, so I get lazy when all I have to do in my life is chores. So I have been trying to find other things to do which ironically helps motivate me to do more around the house. I'm odd, I know.
Well, Dill and I have a great apartment. Our kitchen is gorgeous and has a nice, large island counter. However...it is a lot smaller than our last two kitchens, so we always have stuff overflowing onto the counters, in the dishwasher, in the sink, in the laundry room, and often times stuff falling out of the cabinets. It doesn't help that I have around 15 coffee mugs that I love dearly, an espresso machine, a large coffee machine, bags of coffee, large tub of sugar, and a coffee grinder. Yikes!
So to fix all of this, I looked on Craigslist (Oh Craigslist...you are such an addiction!) for a table. I wasn't really looking to find anything. However, I happened across this adorable breakfast table with two barstools that happens to fit perfectly in the dining room without it actually being in the way. Also, it was originally from Target for $105 and I got it for a measly $35 (well, $40 because we did not have change). SOLD!
Dill was excited, too, once I told him we would have more space and my coffee pot would be off the island counter. Which he hates. He is a very simplistic man, whereas I love lots of colors, textures, and boldness! So this was a perfect compromise since I have always wanted my own 'coffee bar'. I can't wait!
Wait? What am I waiting for you ask? Well, it's pretty dirty. So are the stools. So I am currently working on cleaning them. Also, the grout in the tile on top is filthy and dark, so I have been working on cleaning that. Annnnd here comes the big one! I want to strip the paint off and stain the wood an espresso/dark walnut color! Am I crazy? Oh, absolutely. I have never done anything like this in my life. It's going to cost around another $45. So really, I have just spent about $85 on this table...but that's still cheaper than brand new, it gives me something to do, and I plan on using the supplies on a little bench I received from my grandmother. So it will work out well. $85 to re-do a table, two barstools, and a bench (and perhaps a yucky barstool Dill brought home from work that's scratched and stained - the bad kind, not the good stains).
This is a wonderful project to try. If it fails? Ah well. I'll go grab some paint and just do that. Plus, maybe it will give it some character. I will be keeping updates so you can see my progress. I do suggest you do something as well. Crochet, workout (my other hobby!), make a youtube blog, make your own blog, cook for groups, volunteer, etc. Do anything. Even things you don't think you can do (like this crazy project!).
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| Yes, this is me. Let's do this! |
Just because you are doing something fun, or active, or productive - does not mean you care any less about your Angel. Not at all. In fact, if you are a religious woman like myself, then I believe my Taybear is watching me from above, and I want to make her proud. I want to show her that no matter what her mama goes through, she will get through it so she can one day be with her daughter. That is my belief. It does not have to be yours. You could try thinking, 'I want to be the way I would have been if I had my baby here'. Sure they aren't here now, but I bet you would want to have been something good for them if they were. Why not be that anyway? Hopefully in the future you could be, whether to your own children or foster children or adopted. No matter what, hopefully you can be a great influence to somebody children, adults, elderly. Whoever. There is always room for good! So, please. Try to be the person you wanted to be if they were here.
That being said. I have been finding myself more and more depressed, bored, and lazy. Yeah, so I get lazy when all I have to do in my life is chores. So I have been trying to find other things to do which ironically helps motivate me to do more around the house. I'm odd, I know.
Well, Dill and I have a great apartment. Our kitchen is gorgeous and has a nice, large island counter. However...it is a lot smaller than our last two kitchens, so we always have stuff overflowing onto the counters, in the dishwasher, in the sink, in the laundry room, and often times stuff falling out of the cabinets. It doesn't help that I have around 15 coffee mugs that I love dearly, an espresso machine, a large coffee machine, bags of coffee, large tub of sugar, and a coffee grinder. Yikes!
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| There are plenty more cups in the dishwasher... And don't mind the clutter please! |
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| Not a great picture, but you get the idea. |
Wait? What am I waiting for you ask? Well, it's pretty dirty. So are the stools. So I am currently working on cleaning them. Also, the grout in the tile on top is filthy and dark, so I have been working on cleaning that. Annnnd here comes the big one! I want to strip the paint off and stain the wood an espresso/dark walnut color! Am I crazy? Oh, absolutely. I have never done anything like this in my life. It's going to cost around another $45. So really, I have just spent about $85 on this table...but that's still cheaper than brand new, it gives me something to do, and I plan on using the supplies on a little bench I received from my grandmother. So it will work out well. $85 to re-do a table, two barstools, and a bench (and perhaps a yucky barstool Dill brought home from work that's scratched and stained - the bad kind, not the good stains).
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| The stools, and Dill's yuck stool in the background. |
I believe in you. It's great for you to try something new.
More posts to come!
New Feature: E-mail Subscription
Hello, everyone. Hope your Wednesday is going well!
I wanted to alert you to a new feature I added a few days ago: e-mail subscription! All you have to do is submit your e-mail address to the left and anytime there is a new post, you will receive an e-mail. That is the only purpose. Your e-mails will be private and will never be published or open to the public!
Enjoy!
Minor Changes Make a Major Difference
When we lost Taylor, we were living nearly 900 miles from where we are now, in a different state and apartment. Yet, despite this, my brain wants to get sad still and wonder which room room would have been her nursery, what it would look like now, and how life would be different. This is something that is all right to do briefly, but not often. You can wonder, but then you need to be able to keep going. This year, I have been unable to do so. As I was looking around, I was becoming more and more sad.
So I decided to make some changes to lighten my mind. I wanted a change because Tay should be in one of the rooms and things would be different. So I made them different. Dill and I rearranged our living room and sunroom (I feel so fancy saying we have a sunroom, but I swear we are far from rich or fancy!). We still have boxes that need unpacked (Oh yes, I am lazy), so we unpacked a few of them. We didn't add anything new, nor did we take any furniture or decor away. However, the new layout is fresh.
Now I walk in and feel great. For now, my mind is feeling satisfied about the new look. Sure it isn't how things would be if Taylor were here, but it's a wonderful change and it gives my mind something new to focus on for awhile. We still have a ways to go with our apartment, despite it being nearly 5 months, but we are getting there. More work to come today on the second bedroom. I can't wait! I'll try to get before and after pics of the bedroom, considering I wish I could have of the living room. It looks so different!
What do you do when you feel this way? Or just sad?
PS: Dill made me coffee then woke me up! How awesome!
PPS: I was going to add a photo, but apparently I deleted a whole folder of important photos by accident. Yuck. I'll add photos later if I feel up to it. Now time to go sulk in coffee!
So I decided to make some changes to lighten my mind. I wanted a change because Tay should be in one of the rooms and things would be different. So I made them different. Dill and I rearranged our living room and sunroom (I feel so fancy saying we have a sunroom, but I swear we are far from rich or fancy!). We still have boxes that need unpacked (Oh yes, I am lazy), so we unpacked a few of them. We didn't add anything new, nor did we take any furniture or decor away. However, the new layout is fresh.
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| Our 'fresh' layout! |
Now I walk in and feel great. For now, my mind is feeling satisfied about the new look. Sure it isn't how things would be if Taylor were here, but it's a wonderful change and it gives my mind something new to focus on for awhile. We still have a ways to go with our apartment, despite it being nearly 5 months, but we are getting there. More work to come today on the second bedroom. I can't wait! I'll try to get before and after pics of the bedroom, considering I wish I could have of the living room. It looks so different!
What do you do when you feel this way? Or just sad?
PS: Dill made me coffee then woke me up! How awesome!
PPS: I was going to add a photo, but apparently I deleted a whole folder of important photos by accident. Yuck. I'll add photos later if I feel up to it. Now time to go sulk in coffee!
An Early Birthday Celebration
I decided to make cake last night, so I made two separate round cakes. One is decorated with sprinkles and a lone pink candle. The other is just icing.
I decided to do an early celebration for Taylor's upcoming birthday, considering I've been thinking about her a lot.
Here you go. Simple, yet meaningful.
I decided to do an early celebration for Taylor's upcoming birthday, considering I've been thinking about her a lot.
Here you go. Simple, yet meaningful.
