Four Years On

Where do I start? This Sunday will be 4 years to the day I lost my little Taybear. Four years ago began my journey to find out who I am. Am I a mom? Am I not? Am I grieving over nothing? Or over someone? Let me tell you now. 

Four years ago, I grieved for my child that should and could have been. Today, I grieve for my daughter. I grieve for her birthdays and holidays, I grieve for being a mother on Mother's Day, and I grieve for Dill on Father's Day. I've learned so much grief through my miscarriage that I often forget to be thankful for what I have. 

 A few nights ago, a thought came into my head that scared me. Terrified me. If I hadn't gone to the doctor, I may have never known I miscarried, let alone that I was pregnant. I would have never come to grieve my child who deserves to be grieved. So I am thankful, through all the tears, that I knew I had Taybear with me. And I am thankful that I knew she was gone. I'm so thankful she is a part of my life still and that I get to celebrate and grieve, together, on all of her important days. Am I a mom? Yes. I think of my child all the time. I celebrate birthdays, death days, and holidays as a mother. Sure many people do not know that I am one. But that's okay. I know. I know and so I celebrate. 

 Taylor started out as a depressive thought in my mind and has now grown to be something I look forward to. I'm excited for her birthdays. I'm ready to face the day she passed with joy. Because I did know her. And I know she is happy in Heaven.

So enjoy your holidays. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. And one day, I'll come on here and let you all know when we have another baby to celebrate. Whether here on earth or in heaven. We will try again, and we will celebrate again. No matter the outcome.

Love you so much Taylor Austin. I am blessed to be your Mommy!

Always,

Pickle

Hobbies Hobbies Galore

Update: We lost our little girl, Bonkers. Three in four months is very hard. Now we have Lincoln and Riley. We're doing okay, actually. Sad, but okay.

Hey guys.

So I've recently started making some lifestyle changes (less sugar, less sodium, less calorie intake to lose weight). And I must say that it feels good. It's been over two months now, and I feel good. I'm finally losing that weight I gained after I was injured (and around the time I was pregnant).

If you don't remember, I struggled with my weight since Tay. The extra weight I put on made me feel like I was pregnant. If I rounded just right, I looked it. It's so silly and naive, but it was a way I 'coped'. Now I hope I don't have to tell you, but that is not a good coping mechanism.

So I've finally started losing and in the process, I've found a new hobby. I very much enjoy yoga. Hey! Don't groan. Though, three months ago, I probably would have, too.

Yoga is great for your muscles and gets you out of the house! It helps you meet new people. It can be relatively inexpensive (generally $10/drop-in class or around $70-100 unlimited monthly). I very much respect my teachers and I have started to look forward to my classes.

I highly encourage you to find a hobby. It's helping me cope with the loss, depression, and daily stresses. I can't imagine ever going back to not doing it. It's fun.

If yoga still isn't your thing, then try a painting class, music, dance (I love dance!), crafts, etc. There are even groups out there that meet just to go out to places and eat or watch movies. Just try to find a hobby. If it involves weekly meets, all the better.



Also, you may be wondering why I didn't post on Taylor's birthday this year. I'll be honest. Brutally. I forgot Taylor's birthday. I had requested time off and everything and all I did was sit on my butt. The following day, I remembered and it felt like someone had punched me. How in the world could I forget that?

Don't beat yourself up if you forget these important dates. It only means you are finally moving on. And THAT'S OKAY! Really, it is. Celebrate when you feel like celebrating. It's okay if it doesn't land on any of the important dates. Your child would not want you to be unhappy, and you know that if they were here, you wouldn't have forgotten! But since they are not, sometimes their day just seems like another day. Nobody is wishing them happy birthday. You didn't have to buy gifts or plan a party. You have none of those 'hey this day is very important' cues.

Don't beat yourself up. Just celebrate when you want. Think of them. Talk to them if that helps. They would forgive you.


Anyway, that's all for now. Off to yoga! PS: I'm going to start adding photos again. Just bear with me through this crazy time!

What a Sweet Uncle

This is the last of Taylor's Birthday Compilation.

For Taylor's 1st birthday, I asked my best friend, Uncle Kosher, to write Taylor something for her birthday. He so sweetly obliged. This was such a wonderful idea, and plan to ask him and another person to do so next year.

Uncle Kosher's Letter to Mommy

The letter reads:

Dear Taylor,

Your mother has been dropping subtle hints for me to write and send this letter, and some not so subtle ones as well. I suppose I feel like I should probably apologise (Uncle Kosher doesn't know how to spell)  for the shape of the paper I'm writing on. I had it packed away with some books and other things, and I guess they kind of messed them up. I should also probably apologise (Uncle Kosher doesn't know how to spell) for my handwriting. I'd use the excuse that I just haven't written in awhile, but to be honest, I just have horrible handwriting.

So, you know, I don't actually know what to say... I've never known what to say to younglings such as yourself. I suppose I should introduce myself, shouldn't I? We've not met, but I'm your crazy Uncle Kosher. I've known your mom for a long time, she's an amazing person. You're lucky to have such a loving Mother. She sometimes need help, so be sure to take care of her for me, ok? I'm counting on you now little one.

Oh, Happy Birthday, by the way. No, I didn't forget, I was stalling for dramatic effect. I don't have anything I can get you, so I'm going to attach a picture from a coloring book that I filled in recently. The other side is blank. Ask your mom to fill it in, ok?

Alright, I think that's all dear, Happy Birthday!

Love,

Uncle Kosher

The picture mommy is supposed to color.
I will do so on the 2 year anniversary
of joining Heaven. <3

Uncle Kosher's letter and picture

Happy 1st Birthday, Taybear!

It's here!

It's Taylor's birthday!

Going GREEN for Taylor's Birthday.

1:20 pm

So I decided to do something special. I decided to make 'professional' cupcakes. I wanted it to be the best cupcakes I've ever made, but also not from scratch considering that can cost more than a boxed mix these days. It was real simple, and I'm currently waiting on them to come out! I will say though, the batter tasted great! I know, I know...you're not supposed to eat raw egg. It's something my family has done since before I was born, and nobody has been sick from it. Since I'm an adult, and there are no kids around, I feel it's not a big deal. I'll take responsibility for myself if I get sick.

Everything but the pan.
So Simple!

Anyways, so here is the recipe I used:

RECIPE:

- 1 box cake mix (any flavor - I used Pillsbury Moist supreme Classic Yellow

- 3 Eggs (you can substitution with 4 egg whites)

- 1 Cup Milk (I used 2% so others should be fine as well AND omit the oil)

- 2 1/2 tbsp butter, melted (salted or unsalted will work. I used blue bonnet)

- 1 tsp Vanilla extract or flavoring (I used flavoring)

That's it! That is all the ingredients you need. And the best part? I didn't bother with a cupcake pan! Those things end up getting dirty somehow, they take up room in the cabinets, and it's hard to get the cupcakes out. So I grabbed some Reynolds Foil Baking Cups (35ct) for $1.88. They come lined with a paper cup, but since I bought the special butterfly ones for Tay (75ct for $1.88), I just decided to save those for another time! Then I put the special ones in the foil, and now I can reuse the foil cups! It's great. More on that later...

Cups and my flower liners

1. Melt the butter in the microwave
2. Add 3 eggs, cake mix, and milk (or soy milk, or whatever you are using) in a bowl on top of the butter.
3. Using a hand mixer, mix on low for 1 minute, then go up one for another minute. If using a spoon, make sure it is a large spoon and stir for 2 minutes. It may have a few clumps and won't looks as creamy, but it will still work.
   
   

   

   The mix! So creamy!
   It's almost a texture to brownies!

4. Line the foil cups with the liners that come with them, or your own pretty liners.
   
   

   

   Cups and my liners.
5. Place on cookie sheet (should bake a dozen at a time.
6. Fill cups with a tablespoon (just under halfway).

   

   1 tbsp batter into the cups

   
   
7. Place in preheated oven at 350 degrees for 13-20 minutes (my oven always makes the sides hard if I do full time, so for these it took 13 minutes to be done). Just keep an eye on them. As soon as they start to brown on the top, pull them out and off the sheet.

   

   Browned on top.

   
   
8. After they cool slightly, turn upside down in your hand and the cupcake and the liner will slide right out of the foil. Now you can store the foil and reuse!
9. Let cool at least an hour

Now what about the icing?

ICING:

- Pillsbury Creamy Supreme Cream Cheese (any vanilla should work $1.88)

- Betty Crocker Classic Gel Food Colors (I think it was around $3)

1. Let cupcakes cool COMPLETELY
2. Open the icing and stir.
3. Add 10 drops of food coloring of your choice, then stir until blended well. (I wanted darker green, so I used a lot)
4. Fluff with a fork, then use a knife to scoop onto the cupcakes.
5. Spread gently.
6. Optional: Let stand a few minutes, then squeeze out the Confetti Gel in a zigzag pattern (Extras - below)

Extras (Can be omitted):

- Cake Mate Confetti Gel (I used Pink Dots, around $2)

- Cake Mate Confetti Candles ($1)
- Cake Mate Happy Birthday Candles (Around $3)

 Here are some pictures throughout Tay's birthday.

Finished Cupcakes!

Lit candles at the beach
One for Daddy
One for Mommy

Mommy eating the cupcake
and thinking about her Taybear

Gorgeous sunset on her birthday.

The gorgeous bridge all lit up.

The bridge lit up.
Great ending to her celebration.

Happy Valentine's Day

Another idea I came up with for Taylor's first birthday, is for her Uncle Kosher to write her a letter. He is doing so and will send it sometime once he stops forgetting. Yes, that is a slight hint to Uncle Kosher.

So be expected a wonderful birthday post to her on March 2nd.

In the meantime, Happy Valentine's Day/Single Awareness Day! Whichever you prefer. Last night was wonderful. Dill and I headed downtown for the second time since moving and enjoyed a beautiful, yet cold, walk along the Battery. 

Also known as 'Rainbow Row'
Charleston, SC

Then we headed over to a cute dessert restaurant where we indulged in drinks and a deliciously warm brownie with ice cream.

Kaminsky's Most Excellent Cafe
Brownie Sunday

 I loved the experience so much, I even bought a pecan pie slice to go. Then we saw this guy set up a spot to pain/draw. As we walked by, I was astounded.

If I had cash on me, I would have bought it unfinished right there. It was gorgeous. It's funny - the things that make me think of Tay. This was a gorgeous and slightly abstract drawing of a horse-drawn carriage. The horse was white while the buildings behind and around it were purple and pink hues. I could imagine me placing this in her nursery for her to grow up with. It just represented so many things. It represented the beauty of the area we now live in. The beauty of life through the horse. This was a street artist who had magnificent talent, and I really wish we had cash. I'm not sure I'll ever forget that painting. I hope it goes to a good home.

Similar in style to Van Gogh's Starry Night,
but of a horse drawn carriage, and in purple and pink hues.

Well, what did you do for Valentine's?

An Early Birthday Celebration

I decided to make cake last night, so I made two separate round cakes. One is decorated with sprinkles and a lone pink candle. The other is just icing.
I decided to do an early celebration for Taylor's upcoming birthday, considering I've been thinking about her a lot.
Here you go. Simple, yet meaningful.