My Comfort Items and Finding Yours

Since the holidays, I have found myself struggling even more than before, especially with her first birthday coming up. In order to keep myself from delving too deeply into depression, I've been distracting myself. However, distractions can only do so much. So I have been angry instead of sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm exhausted of being sad, but being angry has caused issues between Dill and me.

So what did I do? What do you do if you can't seem to express yourself, or you don't want to express your sadness?

Express it. It's not that simple, I know. It's not what you want to do, but it is what you need to do. Your mind and body are screaming at you to cry more. Even if no tears come. They want you to think about your baby. What could have been. What happened. And it's okay.

It's okay to GRIEVE.

Sure you don't want to cry all the time. You shouldn't dwell on it everyday, all the time. But it is perfectly fine to cry and think about it when you need. It's tiring. It isn't fun to be grieving. Even years later. But it is normal. It is fine. It is okay to grieve. So let it out.

But I'm afraid I will never stop

So am I, but I have stopped before. I went a couple months without crying or grieving real hard. Sure I thought about Taylor. Of course I did. But it wasn't all day everyday feeling like I was being crushed by the grief. Let it out. The next day, take time to yourself if you are able. Do comfort things. Relax. Read a book all day. Take a bubble bath. Sit on the couch and be lazy. Take the kids to the park and enjoy watching them play. Do something you enjoy, but doesn't use a lot of energy or thought. 

I recently developed a love for bubble baths. Not hot ones. No. Cool ones. I find it more calming. Though I am a cold-blooded person. I also love coffee. So on the really bad days, like recently. I'll promise myself coffee from the local shop as long as I get one chore done. It helps. Or if I'm having a real bad day and can't spend the money or take the time to go out? I make some hot cocoa or iced tea, take a moment to sit down and relax while I drink it. Cuddle with Dill if he is home from work. Then I get back to it.

Thank you, Target!
Espresso cup and saucer - less than $5.

For some reason, humans are now taught to never care for themselves and just keep going and pushing yourself until you fall apart. This is wrong. I don't want to fall apart, do you? So I treat myself to a drink I love, or relax every now and then when things get too tough.

I also bought a memory box in honor of Taylor, which helps me quite a bit more than I expected. I have it on my dresser, so I can look over there when I need to, or not look at it all the time when I don't. It's not in my view constantly, reminding me, but it's easy to access and see if I need. I themed it with what her nursery would have been, and it has a small note from me handwritten by the maker (etsy) and her due date.

I'm waiting on my Molly Bear (Help and Support), which I think will be greatly helpful to have something to hold and cuddle with. So please find a good coping mechanism other than ignoring your emotions. It doesn't help.

With that, I'm heading off to spend some time with Dill. I'll be making a post about Taylor's birthday once it is closer. If you want me to write about something or give advice on something specific, do comment. I'll take in all considerations. This blog is for me and YOU.