Grief - Is it Okay to...

Yes. Whatever you are about to ask, yes.

Grief is something you never 'get over'. It is something you feel and deal with. You may grieve the first few months, then feel fine for three years. Suddenly, it hits again. Either for a moment, or for months. That's okay. It's normal. It happens. Often times, it comes unprovoked. Other times, one smell or word could be the trigger. This is normal.



Is it okay to be angry with God?

In a way. It's okay to question God about why you or your child were put through this. It's fine to yell at Him even, as long as in the end you don't hate Him. I yelled at Him for a good few months, but I never did stop loving Him, nor did I ever hate Him. I was angry, confused, and sad. Somehow I never hated Him. For some reason, he didn't feel Tay should be in this world. He was saving her from something and for something. She has a greater purpose up there than she would have here. It took me a long time to be okay with this, though. So do yell at Him. Ask him why. Beg Him to bring your child back. Tell Him how wrong it was to let you experience such hope, then for it to be ripped away. In the end? Thank Him for being able to know your child, even if you never met them yet. Be thankful for the other things you do have. Family. Friends. Dinner. Shelter. And remember that your baby is awaiting you one day, as God intended it.

Is it okay to feel suicidal?

Again, in a way. Basically, there are two types of suicidal thoughts.

• Passive Suicidal Thoughts: You might wish you were dead. You might even think about killing yourself. If you feel this, it can be normal. It's called a passive thought. You still might want to speak to someone, but as long as you aren't planning it is considered to be passive.
• Active Suicidal Thoughts: These are a concern. You will have a plan. Know exactly how you will do it. Your thoughts are consumed by this thought. You might know the exact day or time. You start saying goodbye to friends and family, or selling things that are dear to you. At this point, you need to dial 9-1-1. This is not a good road to go down. Even if you feel alone, there is somebody who will care, or does care, and there are people who can relate to what you are going through. There are plenty of FREE suicide hotlines, several online forums or services, and then there's me. If all else, feel free to message me. If you are on the verge of hurting yourself, I do urge you to call 9-1-1. Most places will provide payment plans and there is government assistance for some cases.

So yes, as long as it's a thought that comes up and goes away, and maybe comes back every now and then. This is normal. It's also normal if you don't ever feel this way. It does not reflect badly on you as a grieving mother. People deal with grief differently.

Is it okay if I don't feel anything?

As I stated above, yes. You might be able to recover quickly. I know people who have lost a parent or sibling and do not grieve but the first day. They are just really good at adapting to bad situations. It has nothing to do with your relationship with them.

On the other hand, if you just don't feel anything because you do not believe the child existed...that is your belief. It's okay. I personally do not feel that way, but if that is your belief it is fine. Do not let others feel bad because you are not grieving.

Is it bad I don't want to name the baby?

No. It's all right. It may be too real for you and you are not ready to accept it. If this is the case, you need to get here eventually. It's a part of the grief and moving on. However, if you just don't feel the need. That's okay too. Some people prefer not to name the child and move on immediately. As I said above, 'They are just really good at adapting to bad situations.' I know people who have lost a child and never named them. It makes it easier on them, and they were able to move on still. This was not the case for me. To me, my child was my baby and they deserved a name. Plus it was easier than 'my baby' in every sentence. "The baby would have been here. This would be the baby's nursery. I miss the/my baby." Just easier to give her a name for when we have future children.

What if I never got a positive test, but feel I was pregnant?

Hello, welcome to my experience! You might receive even less recognition of losing a child. For myself, my story is documented as my first post. I kept feeling different, then I began getting symptoms. A friend mentioned the possibility of pregnancy, and it hit. That was it. By then, I had started miscarrying and my tests showed up negative. A year later, my dad's girlfriend who is able to 'predict' these things, mentioned she thought I had been pregnant. I asked her when, and she said around June or July. Which was when I had all of those symptoms and feelings. If you truly believe you were, then you most likely were. You know your body better than anyone else.

If you have any other questions, comment below and I will answer to the best of my ability. Keep hope, loves.